Life 102

A voice

2012-01-26T20:11:00.000-05:00

My grandfather died this week, and we attended the funeral today in Muskegon. Not a huge deal to me, unfortunately. I have some guilt about that but the reality is, we did not forge a close bond with my dad's parents after his death. In fact, prior to his death, we really only saw his family once or twice a year. Everyone but us lived and worked in Muskegon while we were up in Cadillac. We owned the bakery and it wasn't easy to just pick up 4 kids and drive to Muskegon for a weekend to visit, so we didn't. We always felt a little out of place, awkward, around the Gable's. Now, it's about 20x as awkward. My grandmother died in May, now my grandfather. My aunts and uncles are technically orphaned. A generation is gone. It just seems odd to think of it that way.
My grandfather was way into techy crap, he always had a bunch of gadgets, TVs, the newest technology. If he weren't so sick, I know he'd have a 3D TV just because they are the newest thing. He took lots and lots of videos when we were kids. My aunt mentioned to us girls, that she had all of grandpa's videos and some include Brian and my dad. She said they'd make us a copy so we could have it. So, I got to thinking, these videos will have my dad and brother talking... I haven't heard my dad or brother speak for 16 and 18 years. I don't remember what their voices even sound like. I'm anxious to listen, to see them forever alive in a video from years ago. I want to call my aunt and say, "get me those tapes damn it!" This thought never crossed my mind, that there might be a recording of their voices.
Of my grandparents death I am saddened. They were always loving and caring towards us, opening their doors and welcoming us in. I remember my grandma's wet kisses and hobbled and hunched walk (from arthritis). My grandfather always had 2 or 3 TVs on and music playing in the background. He'd be wearing sweatpants and a wife beater with his leather slippers and his dog at his side. He had a sense of humor, similar to my dad's and his laugh was hearty. They were in their 80s, lived a good and full life. I celebrate their life and hope they rest in peace.

Monday

2012-01-14T08:56:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't know, Sara, my close friend (from childhood, well really 9th grade) has watched Patrick from 2 months of age. She was offered a part time job just after the Christmas holiday and that sent Joc and I on a scramble for childcare for the little man. It was more stressful than I would have thought, it seemed that every place we looked had either just filled their infant spots or had someone deciding for the last spot. We saw our Plan A turn into Plan D, E and F. Finally, we decided on or rather found an opening at a really nice daycare center but it's on the other side of town. Not our first choice, but actually it's the same company as our first choice, just their Kentwood location.
We start Monday... we dropped paperwork off and brought Patrick by on Thursday to look around. He was interested and smiley so both good signs. It's just nerve-racking to think about leaving him in the care of strangers. I mentioned that I worry a bit as he's a typical first born who prefers to be held all the time. I felt some tears in my eyes thinking about leaving him... I know it'll be fine, my job is just to worry these days so that's what I do.
Thank you Sara, for your excellent care of our Patrick. I'm so grateful you were there for him and for us. Thank you.

Brian

2012-01-11T19:09:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, the 10th, was the 18th anniversary of my brother Brian's death. I counted the years out in my head, then did the math on paper, then subtracted my current age from the age I was when Brian died (12), then pulled out my calculator. I just couldn't believe it's been 18 years. Not many memories remain of my big brother, but I pray he's at peace. Do you know the story?
Brian joined the ski team in his freshman year of high school (same year he died). They had a vigorous training, I remember he did a lot of running. The ski team was at Caberfae ski slopes and he went down South Peak. He collapsed on the way down the slope and his teammates thought he wiped out. Instead, his heart had stopped beating. The ski rescue people got to him, then they brought him to Mercy (where my mom worked). Caberfae is about 30 minutes by car outside of Cadillac. They were doing CPR the whole way. I do remember the phone call, my mom answered and I remember her asking if he was conscious. When my mom and dad came home from the ER, they told us Brian was dead. An autopsy showed cardiomyopathy (enlarged heart). He probably went into a lethal arrhythmia (a heart beat that doesn't pump blood to the body, therefore causing death of tissues, guessing Vfib for my medical friends). It's the same sort of thing the young athletes make national news about now...happens often, it's not a new phenomenon. He had had a physical before joining the ski team. The medical people weren't sure what caused it, probably a virus. It happened so quickly and randomly and unfairly. I thought today a little about what he would be doing, if he were alive today. I imagined he'd be doing something great.

I have a different perspective on his death, I feel, with Patrick. Say a prayer or think of my mom, will you? To lose a child... your first born and only son. I always knew it was hard, now it's hard to imagine.
I wonder if any of his old friends remember him or that he died on the 10th of january, 1994? There was no facebook back then, no opportunity to unite in the loss.
Rest in peace Brian. You are missed, loved and never forgotten by your family.

Daycare

2012-01-06T14:23:00.000-05:00

I'm having an internal debate with my heart and mind. It blows. Sara, my friend and Patrick's nanny from 2 months till 7 months, has taken a social work job that she couldn't pass up. Therefore, Joc and I are scrambling a bit to find daycare starting the 16th of january. When Sara first told me a week ago, I was really really bummed. I knew I had it great. And I thought, well, not a problem to find a daycare to accept Patrick. I was a little wrong there. Our first choice: Appletree on Monroe got right back to me to let me know they are full until end of February/early March. Bummer, Plan B- a daycare by Saints (excellent reviews from a co-worker, very close to my work, so very convenient for both Joc and I for drop offs and pick ups)- when we finally got in touch with someone, they had one spot and a couple had come through the day before so they had dibs. Of course, upon hearing there was another child interested, they pounced on the open spot! Ugh. On to Plan C- Aquinas child care, I had talked with them prior to Sara taking the nanny role and they were in our top 3 daycares. Yup, full. Waiting list until June! JUNE!! What the hell? Was there a baby boom recently that I didn't know about?! Ok, Plan D, E and F? We've contacted multiple other daycares, the majority are full and the one that isn't we aren't crazy about. They can accommodate us starting the 16th, there's no enrollment fee and it's 10 minutes out of the way for me, a little out of the way for Joc. So, do we settle on this place because they can accommodate Patrick or do I drop to part time and try to find a nanny to come to the house the other part of the week? My internal debate boils down to my work/life balance. Since taking the educator roll, I've been working 5 days a week 7-4. Weekends and holidays off. There are days I go to work and think, "why did I take this job?" Other days, I really enjoy it. I miss the bedside but then I get a chance to help out at the bedside and I think, "oh yeah, I don't miss it that much." Why am I working 5 days a week? I can easily tell my boss I want 4 days a week or 3 days a week, but can our pocketbook/bills take the change? I miss Patrick often, would I go crazy at home with him? It's often cheaper to pay for a week of daycare than part of a week... ugh.

What's a mother to do?

Then, we're thinking of trying for a second baby in the spring/early summer... so will we both work full time then too? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Why didn't anyone tell me it was so hard to be a working mom? I don't think I could be a total stay at home mom...

I need a drink...

On Eagle's Wings

2011-11-07T19:48:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or has this fall been one of the best in a long time? Beautiful days, pleasant evenings, some rain, lots of sun and gentle breezes, great colors in the trees and no early snow. It really has been nice.

We sang the song, On Eagle's Wings, at church Sunday and remembered loved ones who have died in the past year. We sang this song at my dad's funeral. It's an emotional one for me, and I was not dry eyed at the service. Just another reminder that dad is gone. As always, I miss you pops, hope you can see Patrick and know that I tell him about Uncle Brian and Grandpa Roger often and tell him the tales I remember from working at the bakery. Making the donuts in the night with you. I keep your memory alive. I think you'd like Patrick, and Lucas and Emily too. Your girls love you and miss you.

"And He will raise you up, on eagle's wings, bear you on the breath of dawn. Make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of His hand."

Ramblings

2011-10-22T06:50:00.000-04:00

I'm enjoying a small cup of coffee this Saturday morning and a brief Internet session while Patrick sleeps. I took these mornings before Patrick came for granted, and now look forward to the hour or two after PJ lays down at night and the 30-60 minutes I can catch in the weekend mornings. I think it makes me a better mother, or at the very least, a sane one. (c:

I'm trying to think of something non-Patrick related for this update and non-hormonal worry wart stuff. It's harder than I realized. Children really do take over your life completely.

Joc and I have pretty much decided we're going to put new windows in the house. We have one company coming today and a second on Monday evening. We replaced our back door and french doors and were really amazed by the difference in the cold floor and the cold air leaking in. Our bed is under our windows in our room and we have a running joke that one of us says, "can you close your window?" pretty much every night because the draft is so bad. Joc has done the clear wrap stuff that you hang every year but it always pulls off the paint on the sills and it's time consuming. I think we're ready... it will just depend on the price I guess.

I keep second guessing my new job but I'm actually pretty content... it's just the damn 5 days a week shit. I'm getting used to it. I am actually the coordinator of our new simulation lab. We purchased two SimMen 3G that do pretty much everything a human does (except each is a mannikin). I'm talking these guys talk (pre-programmed or I can talk for them), they sweat, they cry, they froth, they seize, they code, they have occluded airways, they can be criched (i don't know how to spell that), they can have needle decompression, you can put chest tubes in them, they have heart and lung sounds, you can intubate them... I'm telling you they do it all! I've been going to a few other sim labs around here, getting ideas, organizing crap and setting up the first simulations at Saint Mary's. It's been fun and stressful and exciting and all so new. I'm really enjoying this part of the job a lot. It's a great resume builder, not that I'm looking to build my resume but everything helps, right?

Nothing much...

2011-10-17T20:17:00.000-04:00

It's about every other day that I second guess my decision to take an educator job and then go full time after having a baby. I miss the bedside more than I realized I would. I think I'm in the right place, Mondays are just harder than the other days because we have to pack up Patrick and send him to Sara's and I spend the morning wishing I could stay with him. 5 days a week is hard, it's tiring and excessive really. Why can't I work 3 days a week? ugh. What a pain.

There's not much to write about right now. Patrick has a cold and he went to bed early tonight because he was so tired and stuffy. Poor guy.

The wrong choices

2011-09-23T22:08:00.001-04:00

Lately, I've been worrying. A lot.
I worry about Patrick, about the choices I make (we make) for him. I worry about myself and who I am becoming or have already become. I worry about life and if I can handle more children (I'd like 3). I worry about sleep and when I'll be able to get enough but then I worry when Patrick does sleep too long or too much. I worry about working full time and seeing my babe for 3 hours in the evening and for two days on the weekend. I worry he won't know me, although I know he does when I pick him up and he smiles so big. I worry he'll question Joc and my decision to conceive. I worry that I chose the wrong job change and I should have stuck to the bedside. I worry that I'll never be able to leave the job for fear of "sticking" my job on other people. I worry I'm not doing a good job at work. I worry I won't be able to maintain breastfeeding until Patrick is a year old. I worry that Joc and my marriage will erode from the energy it takes to raise a baby. I worry that I'll never get back to my fitness level I gave up with my pregnancy. I worry that I worry too damn much.
I was never a worrier before being a mom. I just rolled with life's ups and downs but not anymore. I'll still roll, I just worry while I roll.

The Help

2011-09-20T21:20:00.000-04:00

So, I finally read The Help. It's about time, right. It's a great read and reminder of what went on in this country not that long ago. The voices of the women in the book were inspirational, heartbreaking, heartwarming, irrational, irritating, smart, funny and about a million other words. If you haven't read it, I recommend you do. I'm leery to see the movie, so many times the movies don't live up to my expectations but many people say it's a good movie too. I suppose I'll have to find out.

10 years ago

2011-09-10T13:01:00.000-04:00

It's September 11th again.
So, the ever present question: Where were you 10 years ago on 9/11?
I was in Spain, had just arrived a few days earlier (I think we flew in on the 3rd or 4th) for a semester of studying in Malaga (southern city on the Mediterranian coast). In fact, with the time change, I recall we had all just left our classroom, it was 12 or 1, and were walking, about 5 or 6 of us, to the Internet cafe to check our emails and write home. A fellow classmate who beat us home called one of us (we had cellphones before they were popular in the States) and told us, "a plane just flew into the World Trade Center". My first thought was that I didn't know exactly what the WTC was but I knew it was big so I said, "whoa, that's a lot of people". At the time of the phone call, the classmate told us that the news was reporting it as a a personal passenger plane. We all just briefly thought, wow. Then as we passed a dinner/restaurant/bar we saw that everyone in the bar was staring at the TV so we went in.
Now, we were obviously Americans (if you've been to Europe you know that we just don't dress the same as Europeans) so when we walked in, the people looked at us all sadly. We turned around and saw what they were seeing on the TV and I think my mouth fell open. We rushed to the Internet cafe, trying to get information that was understandable (Spanish was our second language afterall and we'd just arrived so we weren't great at it yet). The Internet was slow and we couldn't get much. We had emails from family members asking if we were okay, a boyfriend from home finally (he said he kept getting network too busy signals because of so many people making calls that day) got through and told her and us how bad it was at home.
I sent an email to my mom to let her know we were fine and I'd keep her posted on what would happen next. Then I walked to my apartment (where I roomed with 2 other Spaniards, in their 20s) and they were watching the news and the image of the planes flying into each tower over and over and over. They looked at me and said, "Lo siento Jenn. Lo siento." (translation: I'm sorry Jenn, I'm sorry) We sat and watched the news for a while.
I don't remember it clearly, I know our professor called us all together, back to the classroom and we were informed that there were no planes flying in or around the US and that was indefinite. We were staying in Spain, there was no reason to get us home, we were safer in Spain. We just had to band together as a class. I remember one girl knew an Uncle who worked in a tower but he miraculously hadn't gone into work that day. It was just all too real but not real at all. I was too far away to truly understand the magnitude, still to this day I'm awestruck by the devistation that I just didn't grasp that week.
We were told to not walk around in big groups (we were a group of 20) and not to speak English loudly or when in public. Basically: don't be obvious Americans. While at home you were all banding together in patriotism and brotherhood. (This is one of the reasons I came home and was irritated with the massive amount of American flags everywhere).
Our semester went on, we went to class, we traveled around Europe, we learned Spanish and we talked about different things we'd heard from loved ones: gas prices went way high, songs were banned from radios, etc. We knew nothing more than the rumors we heard.
Watching shows now and old video clips is wierd for me now, I wasn't here for it and can't fathom it. Your worlds stopped and you became strong Americans.
The culture shock was almost worse coming back home in December.
I respect this day, I shake my head at the devestation. I can't say what it was like being in America when it happened, but being in Europe was unfair in many ways. We got back to the business of living though, much faster than anyone at home.
As always, life goes on.

5K

2011-09-06T13:10:00.000-04:00

Well, I ran my first 5K in a year. In fact, the 5K I ran on Monday was the exact 5K I ran last year that was my last race since Monday... did that make sense? Anyhow, it's been one year since I've competed in a race... was I ready? Nope. Was I in shape? Nope. Was it unseasonably cold? Yup. Did I walk? Just for a few moments while drinking water at the aid station. Am I sore today? Yup. Did I get chaffage? Yup.
The problem: finding a routine to get back into running/biking. While Joc and I were home for 8 weeks, running was not a hard thing to find time to do. I just had to feed Patrick before going out. Now that I'm at work 5 days a week, I'm having a hard time finding that time. I realize I'm full of excuses, let's just say that right off the bat. "I'm tired" "I'm not a early morning (5am) runner" "I want to spend as much time with Patrick since I don't see him all day" "It's too hot" I've used them all so far. Bottom line: I have to make time for running or exercise- it's my mental wellbeing we're talking about here.
I have a jogging stroller, many people say I can't put PJ in it until he's 6 months old. Lord! I don't want to wait that long! I get out of work and home by 5 or 6 everyday, I would like to start going out after work. After I post this, I'm going to google my jogger and see if they have a recommended time that it's "okay" to put a baby in the jogger. (I don't live on dirt roads, and I'm not a speedy runner so it's not like he's going to be jerked around!)
All I know is: I ran that 5K in 33:14, that's the slowest 5K I might have ever done... I need to get moving again and feel good about myself again.

Grandpa Roger

2011-08-26T21:18:00.000-04:00

My friend Amy mentioned that PJ looks a little like my dad and ever since then I do see glimpses of him in Patrick. Tonight I saw it too and I was left a bit breathless. I wonder what kind of grandpa he would have been, what would the grandkids think of him? We do talk about grandpa Roger with Lucas, I'm not sure he quite understands who it is but someday he will. And I do plan on telling PJ about grandpa Roger.
Thinking of you and Brian, Dad. Miss you evey day.

A few good books

2011-08-24T19:45:00.000-04:00

So I was able to read a few more books in the last couple months, thought I'd share my thoughts and the titles with you.

"One Day" A book that is now a movie, follows two people from their meeting in London on one day and then where they are and how they grow up/change as the years go by. It follows that day as the book progresses. It was a decent read, interesting concept.

"Long Drive Home" by Will Allison. One their drive home, a father and daughter narrowly avoid an accident only to come in contact with that driver again. This time, father tries to teach the reckless driver a lesson resulting in an accident that changes all their lives. A quick, easy read that leaves you shaking your head at the decisions the father makes over and over.

"Lone Survivor" by Marcus Lattrell. Oh man, oh man, this was a great read. True story of a 4 man team of Navy Seals who head out on a mission in the mountains of Afghanistan. As indicated by the title, the mission goes very very badly. I was in tears, let's put it that way. The book also explains the process of becoming a Seal and man, those guys work hard! This was an eye opening book and it still stays with me. I think about the three guys who gave every last bit of themselves... woa, highly recommend.

"Stories I only tell my friends" Rob Lowe (yes, the famous guy). It's an interesting perspective into the world of celebrity. Rob tells his story in a cleaver, easy and flowing way. I enjoyed the look at his life from a young boy living in Dayton OH dreaming of becoming a movie star. He had what I'd call amazing luck as he encountered multiple famous people along the way. And the look at The Outsiders and The West Wing was pretty neat. He was also friends/neighbors with the Sheens (Martin, Emilio and Charlie) and the Penns (Sean). Just sort of a fun, easy read.

Next up: The Help

Is he a good baby?

2011-08-16T13:57:00.000-04:00

First, what kind of question is this? Is any mother or father going to say, "no, my kid is the worst kid ever."? Probably not. Second, how can you quantify how your baby is? What defines a "good baby" from a "bad baby?" and really, should we label a baby as "bad"? Aren't we setting them up for issues in their near future? Thirdly, if it's just a question to pose to fill the space, similar to those top things never to ask me when I'm pregnant, then why ask it. What's your response when the parent says, "no"? Pity? Or are you looking for a chance to offer your not wanted advice?
My baby, little Patrick, is sweet and smiley much of the time but like every baby, he has to cry to get his needs expressed. So what if his crying fits generally happen when we are out with him or around other people? So what if he doesn't sleep "through" the night yet. My babe needs his naps to make him happy and if that makes him high maintenance then so be it. So, I'm just adding that to a list of things i'll never say or ask a new mom or dad cuz really, every baby has their moments, no matter how "good" or "bad" they are.

Sent from my iPhone

Life

2011-08-13T16:03:00.002-04:00

My friend Rachel is in Afghanistan fighting in this war that just seems to keep going. She was home in June to meet pj and when we said good-bye I cried like a child. She's a medic and she'll be there until next June. I keep thinking about what will happen if she gets killed over there? Who will even care?
Obviously me and Joc, but I more mean what will she have died for? What is the point of all this killing. I mean, 30 navy seals one day then a soldier the next, then another. Why?
It seems like a pretty reckless disregard for precious life. It makes me sad to think of the families who have lost kids and husbands and wives.

smiley guy!

2011-08-10T11:00:00.002-04:00

Sent from my iPhone

Perspective

2011-07-31T19:25:00.000-04:00

Today, a 2 month old baby died, his name was Joshua. I didn't know him, I barely knew his parents but my heart was instantly saddened. I look at how alive Patrick is and how everyday he interacts with us more and tears flow freely. I don't know if it's the hormones or empathy but I'm holding my baby a little tighter today and everyday. I take every day of Patrick and I cherish it.
Say a prayer for baby Joshua and his parents, Leah and Scott.

the 90 minute plan

2011-07-29T20:13:00.000-04:00

I thought I'd take this quiet time to write one last post before I go back to work and I'm not sure what my life will be anymore.
Today, savoring every last minute with our Patrick has been so important. He's really smiling now and I was feeding him just a little bit ago and we were gazing at each other and he cracked the biggest smile. As milk trickled down my stomach, it warmed my heart and made me giggle. He also has found his voice recently and will coo and make noises back at Joc and I when we do it to him. Especially when he's chilling on the changing table and flailing his limbs around as he does. We just love him so much.
We are trying a new sleep thing- trying to get PJ to sleep for longer during the night, called the 90 minute sleep program. Basically, we pay close attention to patrick after he's been awake for 60-90 minutes and see if he's acting sleepy. We then swaddle him or sooth him and he almost always falls asleep and naps for about an hour or more. This "program" tries to get babies the sleep they need to grow their brains. It's supposed to help with fussiness, and help them sleep "through the night". We've only been doing it for a couple days... it's not that hard since Patrick is usually starting to get tired after he's been awake longer than an hour... so we just help him take a nap. Gradually, over the next month (since he's 8 weeks today) he should have longer awake times and be a better nighttime sleeper. Whatever, it sounds logical but I've been asking myself repeatedly how long should he be sleeping during the day? Do I keep him up so he gets better sleep at night? Any place I looked basically said he should be sleeping 15-17 hours a day... I mean, what is that?! And many people you ask with kids say, "i don't remember how long my kid slept for... he was awake a lot." (Not helpful!) So, when a co-worker told me about this book and I've skimmed most of it.. it makes sense and while PJ isn't sleeping through the night, he's getting better daytime rest and he's still awake and interacting with in between those naps. And really, I'm savoring the quiet night feeds that are time spent with Patrick in a way that he will soon grow out of (hopefully).
Being a mom is hard work!! And I thought picking a name was challenging. (c:

Back to work

2011-07-24T09:07:00.000-04:00

Joc and I head back to work in a week... I'm actually looking forward to it, let me tell you why. Before I had PJ, I started a new position as staff/nurse educator. You might recall the drama I experienced with full vs. part time, well about 3-4 weeks into my maternity leave my boss leaves me a message that another educator has resigned and she has a full time spot to "play" with. Which translates into me and the other new hire part timer getting full time if desired. My immediate response was, "hell yeah!" I wanted it before, te cost of benefits are half as much (especially with PJ on mine now) and I can get more done and get that pay increase that makes the job switch more worth it. Still, my feeling is strong toward full time, it's just I've never worked 5 days a week in my life so now I'm leaving my boy 5 days a week. It might be tough to get used to. I just didn't feel like after all the drama of the original position and me gripping about part time, that I should turn down this opportunity for full time, especially when I'm not sure when or if it'll ever come up again!
I am excited to be around more grown ups, who can take care of themselves and speak to me. I'm excited because I'm coordinating the simulation center that the hospital is starting, I have lots of new hires who are working on the unit and I'm looking forward to meeting them and getting to know the new population of nurses in our unit. I'm also taking on another staffing area, that is hasnt had an educator, so I have a lot to work on there. So lots to do, and time is ticking away! That's why I'm excited to return to work.
Joc and I have spoken about her dropping back a day so PJ would get an extra day with us. Will he know who we are? Will he start to favor Sara over us because she's with him every day we aren't? I have to believe it all works out because we aren't the first parents to wok full time and have kids... It just worries us a little.
I guess we'll see in another week.

When I'm a parent, I would NEVER...

2011-07-16T08:05:00.000-04:00

Before Patrick, I had many parenting opinions, not that I shared them with too many people it was mostly thoughts I formulated about how I would handle (or planned to handle) different situations.
One thing I've learned: it all goes out the window when you are really a parent.
#1. I'll never let my child sleep with me. Please. It's 4am, PJ has been up every hour and I'm so tired that when he falls asleep on my chest while burping him I lay back and close my eyes. When we wake up 3 hours later I now know that yes, yes, I will occasionally allow PJ to sleep with me. (for now, I know that once he gets just a touch older it will form a bad habit and I really don't want a toddler in our double bed as Cooper takes up enough room as it is. But, for now I will break my rule.)
#2. I'll never buy a minivan. I'd like to have three kids, God willing. (I know, I know, get through one first!) A mid-sized car (mine) and the Escape (Joc) will not handle three child seats not to mention any friends the kids may have... so while a new car is hopefully a few years away, I think a minivan might be the most economical instead of the extended SUV that might be more hip. Joc and I will have to decide when we need to cross that street... but a mini-van may be in our future... oh man...
#3. We'll be a mobile family, able to travel no matter what, we won't stay at home just because we have kids. Man oh man, is travel more challenging that I thought. This baby, this 6 week old dude, has so much crap! And what will he need while we're away? How many outfits should we bring? How many diapers? Do we bring his vibration chair and his swing and his pack n play? He has to have tummy time, so his activity mat has to come (because he's too good for a blanket on the floor!) and toys, we have to bring toys (even though he doesn't even know he has two arms and hands to play with them) and books, and PJ's stroller... and we haven't even packed for us yet! And don't get me started about this child who needs to eat every 1-2 hours, so if he wakes up (if he sleeps) then he's screaming and we have to pull over to feed him (even if I pack a bottle, there are times he won't take it unless he's being held) and now our 1 hour 15 minute trip to Cadillac is more like 1 hour 45 minutes... not that we just won't travel but man, we gotta get a better routine down or a trailer... (c:

This is my list and PJ is only 6 weeks old... life is definitely different with a little one.

Hormones

2011-07-10T15:24:00.000-04:00

I'm having a hard time with these hormones. I feel irritated, worried, tearful and angry often. Last night I was informed I have become a pretty negative person. Which leads me to the question: who am I now? Am I becoming an unlikeable person? Are these hormones forever gonna make me this way or maybe it's not the hormones and I'm just becoming this negative, judgemental and angry person.
I don't think it's postpartum depression, it might be the blues or it may just be me. Either way, I'm not into it.

Charlevoix and other things

2011-07-06T10:42:00.001-04:00

We have ventured north for a week away from Grand Rapids into the waters of Lake Charlevoix. Okay, we're not really in the water but we're next to them at Grandma Judy and Grandad's lakehouse. Patrick seems to be adapting well to the new place, I was of course worried (I worry a lot these days) he'd have trouble sleeping or be disoriented, but he is doing well. We've only been here going on our second day but the sun has been out and it's been perfect. Yesterday we were down by the water most of the afternoon, Joc and I even went for a run/walk yesterday morning.
Speaking of exercise, i've been anxious to get back into working out now that i have my figure back (ha!). So, like a good nurse/patient, when my doctor said to start run/walking after 6 weeks, I decided now (4 1/2 weeks post delivery) would be the best time. (c: At least I didn't go all out and run a 5K ok? Joc thought she'd like to try running again, I'm a touch skeptical as she finds running "boring", but I'm supportive in her efforts. I'm encouraging biking though, as she enjoys that activity more, but maybe she'll learn to love running like me. Who knows? My back has been really sore too, from holding the ever growing PJ. So I threw in some ab and back exercises yesterday. I feel a touch sore in the legs today so I know it was ok and everything else seems good too. I find my posture is horrible these days and when I'm feeding PJ I'm hunched over. I need my muscle mass back, pronto!
My baby is growing like a weed! I was uploading photos to shutterfly and facebook and looking back on his birth photos... what a pudge he's becoming!! He's filling out everywhere. I love it!
On another note, the crying is better. Taking the advice of many people, I'm feeding him almost every time he's crying and it's cut back on his screaming spells. I'm living by the "you can't spoil a newborn" mantra for another month or so. I'm nurisng him to sleep and making sure he sleeps much of the day so he's not overtired. So, it's improving. Thank you for the help!
Finally, I'm trying to decide about a type of electronic babybook for the little dude. I saw a commercial awhile back where a dad set up an email account for his child and sent him emails along the way of life so when he gets older he has many of his memories. Joc created the patrickjude.blogspot.com blog but I want one where I can write to patrick about his growth and development. So, I'm either creating an email account or a blog that I'll write to him and maybe in a few years, create a book... I probably won't link it to this blog as it'll just be for PJ but it's something I'm tossing around. We did buy a babybook for him but in the digital era, for a digital native baby... I say, why not?

Happy July friends!!

It's not all roses

2011-07-02T12:19:00.000-04:00

Patrick has been doing a lot of crying lately. We haven't quite figured out what causes it exactly but we're troubleshooting it. These are the times I wish he would just come out and tell us what's the problem.
Last night, as he screamed so hard his face turned red, his cry was silent and he was sweating from the exertion I thought I had it figured out- overtired. He's a decent nighttime sleeper and he usually sleeps until about 8am, which is really to say we sleep until 8 am. But he has been staying awake much of the morning, we try to get him to sleep around 9 or 10 but if he falls asleep it's only for 10-20minutes. Then he has a breakdown (crying/screaming/hard to console) around 11 or 12, once we get him to sleep he will sleep soundly only waking to eat then going back to sleep through most of the afternoon. This is why I thought he was overtired, thus the breakdowns.
On facebook, someone recommended ColicCalm and after reading about it and seeing it's all natural and soothes gas, colic, GERD and hiccoughs I thought, "what the hell?" But so far, I'm not convinced it's any of those problems. It's not like he screams for hours... maybe 30 minutes to an hour... we take turns, Joc is excellent at rocking the screaming baby. I'm a sucker, I give him the boob and it soothes him to sleep but he only eats for a short time before falling asleep. So he's essentially using me as a pacifier... which I'm borderline okay with until he's a little older.
Basically, I haven't figured my baby out... he's 4 weeks old and I still can't determine why he gets screaming like he does.
Other thoughts I've had: overstimulation (we put him on the activity mat and let him stare at the toys), milk supply (but he's gained 3 lbs since birth so I know he's eating plenty and many times I have just fed him and then he gets to screaming), boredom (but from what I read, this should subside once we pick him up and talk to him), frustration (maybe he's ready to move and he's not able to?), gas (but the simethicone and the ColicCalm are for this and I can't say I've seen a direct coorelation between giving him the stuff and him calming down), illness??? (We took him temp once because he was so hot to the touch but it was normal... could he have an ear infection at this age??). Above all, maybe he's just in a fussy stage right now and needs to cry... I shouldn't complain as the books I read on uncontrollable crying talk about a baby who cries for hours, yes hours, at a time. I pray, hope and cross every finger and toe, and knock on every wood surface in my house, that he never screams for this long.
So, this post is to basically tell you that Patrick, as much as we love and adore him in our lives, can drive me nuts too.

A few pictures

2011-06-24T21:13:00.000-04:00

PJ makes the funniest mouth faces, I can hardly wait till he can smile and interact more.

Just having some play time on the activity center... he does tummy time but usually starts crying after a few minutes... I would too if I couldn't quite pick up and hold my head, soon very soon!

Just me, Patrick and Cooper chilling. Cooper used to be a staple on my lap, and for a few weeks she didn't sit there at all. But most recently, she has resumed her lapdog status, especially when I'm feeding PJ. She's warming up to him, they'll be best buds I just know it!

oh baby!

2011-06-23T11:21:00.001-04:00

Patrick is 3 weeks old as of tomorrow, he's getting bigger every day. His face has filled out, cheeks starting to plump up, his legs, arms, hands and feet are even pudgier. He's also fussier and cries easier these days. Yesterday, I was reading about how to sooth a baby- the 5 Ss according to a pediatrician who made a video and wrote a book and is retired and wealthy I'm sure. (swaddle, shake (but not as in shaken baby), shhh noises, suck and one other that I can't quite recall...) It's hard to listen to his cry, but sometimes I think he's just learning his voice and letting it out feels good. He's also very good at fighting sleep and he's not the biggest pacifier fan, especially when I try to give it to him. I can almost hear him saying, "i know that's you ma, i can smell the milk on you! Now, whip it out and let me calm myself down". I'm a sucker, I usually comply. Which makes me read about babies who use their mom's breast as a pacifier. From what I can gather, it's up to the mom whether that's the role she wants to take on...apparently I am a willing participant. My nipples are complying for now... Joc can get him to take the pacifier... I can't stand to see him gag and scream for those precious few moments before he takes it and falls soundly to sleep. Then, you have to look at the consequences to the pacifier. Again, from what I read (because sometimes that's all I have to go on people!), it's safe to let your babe use one (as long as breastfeeding is going well) until 4-6 months of age. That's the key time to remove it from his life and he "shouldn't" care (according to these nice folks who write all these books). So, for now, we'll use it when he can stand it... so that we can sooth him.

And then I sit back and think about life for Joc and I now. I mean, look at this blog. It's become all about the baby. Is this what my life is now? People drop by to visit and Joc and I talk about Patrick the whole time... he does this, he likes this, labor was like this, breastfeeding is good... We try to ask about them, to remember what made us friends in the first place... but we always come back to Patrick. A few of our friends are coming in from out of town over the 4th, we were gonna get together at a house here in GR and have a cook out, bonfire, hang out. Now, the plan is to go tubing down the river (sounds like a ton of fun, would love to do this, it would be great to get some Vitamin D... I can almost feel the river pulling my tube down stream, the cold beer in my hand, the sun warming my face and arms... ahhhh) and then have food then go out downtown. "Can't you get a babysitter?" ummm.. for my 1 month old child who eats about every 30-45 minutes? Probably not a good plan for us, even though I'd love to.... We passed on the tubing, but they are going out Friday night instead, so Saturday we can bring the pack n'play, and hang out till later. Still, it's the stuff you have to think about like, even if I have a babysitter, my boobs are still gonna need to be pumped... not sure how that would work on the river (c: even if I get a babysitter and work out the pumping on the river, I have a few too many beers, and get home a little too late, I'm still gonna have to wake up with PJ over night and in the morning and function... which I haven't had a few too many in about a year now so I'm not sure how I would recover... I can tell you Joc takes a half to full day to recover from a stupor. It's just not a good plan...
Maybe in 3 months, when P's into a schedule and eating more consistently and he's older and leaving him will be easier because we'll be back at work. Maybe in 3 years... but then I might be pregnant again or have another newborn...
Is this what life has become now for us? It's good, we are very much enjoying this life... but sometimes, just sometimes, I miss the freedom that we had when it was just us and Cooper (who I can throw in the kennel for half the day without worry). But then the other days, I don't miss the freedom, I don't miss spending the money on ridiculous amounts a food or drink at a restaurant. We just have to get to know this life a little better and appreciate and recall what we had... but love what we have now. I wouldn't trade Patrick for anything, not even that delightful trip down the river. (c:

He's arrived!! (finally!)

2011-06-12T14:21:00.000-04:00

I won't bore you with all the gorey details, but Patrick Jude Gable Hodack has arrived!! We were induced on Thursday afternoon, it was a long and drawn out and often times painful (anywhere from 2/10 for the little, early contractions, to 8/10 for full out labor... and that was with an epidural!) I was on a pitossin drip for the majority of the time, off here and there when there were heart rate decelerations on the baby monitor. I had my water broken, multiple attempts to place a catheter through my cervix to open it, and too many hands up my vagina to check my progress. It wasn't the funnest thing I've ever done... but the end result is pretty great. And, it's sorta true what they say, you forget the bad to remember the good. (I can still easily recall the bad but it's still pretty fresh, give me a few months.)
So, the official statistics: born 6/3/2011 at 23:40 (everyone in the room thought he'd arrive after midnight but once I got down to the business of pushing, it just progressed nicely), he was 8lbs, 3oz, 23 1/4 inches long (he had a cone head that has since gone away and we think that gave him the extra 1/4 inch so we don't even report it usually). He has been a pretty good baby, we had some latching issues on the first night but now we're getting by fabulously. He already had his first pediatrician check up, was back up to 8lbs (had discharged at 7, 14) and is doing splendid.
I'm feeling pretty good. Someone asked if I missed being pregnant, and I said, "heck no!" I can wear my old clothes (pretty much... i'm still deflating but I can wear my comfy clothes...), I can see my feet (which have deflated as well from a +4 or 5, seriously, edema to scant of none), I can shave my legs by bending over completely without any discomfort, I can lay on my belly (although my breast now are too full and tender to do this just yet). I wasn't the biggest fan of pregnancy but I'd do it again for the little guy.
So, I'll try to update the blog with occassional pics and events... life should get even more exciting from here on out! (c:

Please stop asking me...

2011-05-31T10:03:00.000-04:00

I think it's the hormones, really I do. I'm not usually this irritable and pissy... at least I hope I'm not going to be forever.

Most people mean well, I know they do, and I laugh it off because that's more what my personality is like. But why do people feel they need to give their 25 cents? Have I been like that in the past? It makes me wonder what I've said to people...

Here's my list of Things to not say to a 37+ week pregnant woman: (and my responses or internal thoughts to their comments)
1. still no baby? (yup, I had it just didn't tell anyone)
2. you must be miserable (well, I'm not horribly miserable but I'm done with this abdomen and not seeing anything below my gut)
3. still here? (yes, yes I am. Can you stop asking me this now? If you see me, you can pretty much assume that 1. i'm still pregnant 2. i haven't had the baby and 3. i'm not in the mood to answer your well-meaning questions.)
4. you haven't dropped, with your first, you have a good 2 weeks after you've dropped. (This said to me on my due date... I was so ready to jump across the table at the woman. hormones, right?)
5. are your feet swollen? (no, they usually look like this)
6. aren't you cute? (i'm not a cute person, never have been, never will be. It's life, and I'm 30 years old so I think I'd know if I were cute. It's the same way I feel when people call old people "cute". I do not wish to be called cute as an adult nor as an old woman with wrinkles and a sense of humor.)
7. when's your due date? (fill in my date here) So are you having a C-section? (not that I'm planning on). So how do you know that's the date? (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???!!!)
8. you should eat something spicy, i ate some jalepeno's with my first and went into labor right after that. (Right, I'll take that into consideration... the heartburn is not worth it!)
9. Sex, you should have sex. (right, because sperm is what is the most helpful part of sex and since we paid some decent dollar amounts for the sperm that met my egg in my fallopian tube, I'm just gonna wait it out here... and no, I'm not taking volunteers for sperm donation!!)
10. Do you want to know what made me go into labor? (no, I don't because I'm a nurse and I read research crap and I know that there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support any of those old wives tales about what causes people to go into labor. What I need is prostaglandin and uterine contractions... which the baby has to secrete in order to start dilating this damn cervix.)
11. Do you know what you're having? (nope) You don't want to know? (Well, yeah we do but we also wanted to keep it a surprise) So are you gonna find out? (hopefully in the next few FUCKING weeks you idiot!)
12. You should go for a long walk. (yup, been walking this whole pregnancy..)
13. When's your due date? (may 26th) I sit back and watch as pure confusion crosses this person's face. So, what does that make you? (stupid for standing here, talking to you still) (this one also drives me mad when people I work with or people I speak to frequently, have asked me this multiple times through the pregnancy. I know it's not their job to remember nor do they really care what the date is... then stop asking me. AND when I tell them, end of May, then they say, well what day? I've taken to saying, you won't remember anyway so I'm not telling you again. It's mean, I know... but what can I say?!)

I'm laughing here as I write all these, because I know people mean well but I think it comes back to my comedian friend, Bill Engvall, who says, "stupid people should have to wear signs that say 'i'm stupid'. That way you won't ask them for anything. You'd be like, 'excuse me, oops, never mind, i didn't see your sign'". I mean, do they hear the words as they come outta their mouths? Again, it comes down to my hormones, my emotions and the overall feeling of "This is a big prank. I'm not really pregnant and there's never going to be baby that comes outta here." So, I usually smile and answer their questions without making them feel badly, although I'm getting worse at this as the pregnancy progresses. And really, I'm just bitchy. I can blame it on the baby, hell, he or she is hanging out in my uterus overstaying their welcome so I think I'm entitled to feeling a little irrational at times.

Please, don't feel badly if you've said or asked any of the things above... really, it's me, not you. (c:

***Actually, this has been a helpful decompression... hopefully you chuckled as you read this and didn't take it personally.***

Identity Theft

2011-05-17T17:02:00.000-04:00

My sister called me at the end of April, reporting a collections notice in my name at her address in Columbus OH. She called to inquire with the company and found that someone had opened an account in my name, with my social security number and date of birth, then hadn't paid a bill of $160. I mean, if you were going to do some damage, wouldn't you choose something a little bigger? Well, in filing reports and complaints and paperwork and calls, I've thoroughly reviewed all 3 of my credit reports (because there are 3 agencies.. the things I'm learning!) and found 2 additional breaches in my identity. For the love of mike! That measly $160 is now a measly $2,271 for a US Cellular account and another measly $254 for, get this, an Ice Mountain Spring Water account. If this weren't so irritating, it'd be funny. Today, as I called the Federal Trade Commission to update my identity theft affidavit, the nice lady on the phone casually says, "in reviewing the thefts, it appears that the person may have attempted to open a small business in your name and SSN". WHAT?!! Is that freakin' possible?! After chatting it up with the IRS, there have been no new businesses opened under my name, so thank goodness for that!

I've been to the GRPD twice, have to go again tonight to get an officer's signature for the first of possibly three fraud packets I have to complete and mail in to prove that I did not in fact, live in Chicago in 2010 but in Grand Rapids MI.

What a pain. All for a cell phone account, a U-verse account and some water. What's wrong with these people? Why can't they get a job, use their own shit and leave mine alone?

I haven't been stressed about it all, it's just tedious and my butt hurts from the hours, literally, sitting in front of my computer and on the phone. I have pages of records of who I spoke to, for which company and when and what they said. There have been tears when US Cellular wouldn't release information about this alleged account and the collection agency wouldn't either... I mean, it's my freakin' SSN, and I ain't paying just to pay! The good news is once I complete the police report and the paperwork, I can have the collections off my credit report and I won't owe any money... but there's always that looming chance they'll use it again.

Moral of the story: check your credit reports occasionally. Mine have 3 addresses in Chicago where I've never lived... see who is doing credit inquiries and call them to see why if you haven't authorized it. If Michelle hadn't gotten that notice, I wouldn't know anything about it and who knows when I would have... maybe when I apply for a new credit card or loan... it's good to be in the know.

The Extended Profile

2011-05-06T09:50:00.000-04:00

I'm donating the baby's cord blood after delivery, so anyone who may need access can have it. (You can pay to store in "just in case" but lord knows if we'll need it and frankly, it's too darn expensive.) In the process of signing the consent and writing out my past medical history, the blood bank asked that I get an extended profile of the donor so they could have a more thorough medical background. Joc called the sperm bank that the baby daddy is from and she said the person on the phone was so excited that we were pregnant, she didn't make us pay the $20 it costs for the profile. She emailed it to us and told us we have "priority" over V413's sperm in the future, even if it's not listed online in the list... for more kids.
The profile was 12 pages long, it's waay more detailed than the quick image they give you in the online list. It was like getting to know the guy, he says he's attractive and has a good sense of humor. It was fun to read through the pages of information and imagine what the baby will look like when he or she comes out of this womb.
Speaking of getting out... I'm full term now. 37 weeks, can you believe it? The doctor checked my cervix on Wednesday (she was doing a strep B test so since I had my pants off anyway I asked her to check me), and she said the baby is still pretty high in my addomen and the cervix is only a tiny bit soft. So, as I thought, this kid probably isn't coming early. But, that's ok. I also read though, that a person could get checked in the morning and not have any signs of labor and could still deliver that day or some people walk around dilated to 3 cms for days. I haven't had any contractions, no mucous plug loosing, no water breaking, just feeling round. I'm getting so many boy guesses these days, when previously people were guessing girl more than boy. And I've been told by many people that "pregnancy suites me"... I'm not going to agree with them because I'm ready to have this body back, but would they tell me I'm fat and miserable?! That'd just be mean. (c:
I'm on the countdown... but trying to not count too loudly as this 3 weeks could easily go through 5 weeks... just praying that everything happens as it's supposed to and the baby comes out healthy and happy. And that breastfeeding isn't too miserable and that pushing this baby out of my vagina isn't too horrible and... ok, i'll stop voicing all my fears. (c:

The new job

2011-04-26T08:48:00.000-04:00

Well, I've been at the new job for a week now. I started last Monday with a 4 hour "orientation" to the job and it's broad and very non-specific requirements. I was excited but honestly, a little bored. I have to sit down with about every "white coat" (as I call the leadership, non-staff persons) in the hospital to introduce myself and see what their job is and how it relates to my job. Yippee. (insert sarcasm script there) I'm lucky though, I'm working in critical care, amongst the people I know and love working with and around. Many of the people I have to "introduce" myself to already know me, so it'll be quick. Kristy, the gal who they hired as the other part timers, has ER experience and she's in the Oncology area of the hospital. She knows minimal people, although she was on committees and knows people from those, and she has that friendly, easy to talk to personality. But she doesn't even know her way around the hospital at times. So, she has a bigger learning curve than I do.
I like the job, so far. I'm just trying to get organized really. And find stuff to do. Yesterday, I voluteered to coordinate orientation for new nurses... but was told I shouldn't as I'll be off on maternity leave for 8 weeks. Ugh. This kid puts a cramp in things. Luckily, Kristy voluteered and said we could work together so I could take over when I come back if I wish to.
Another thing is the old critical care educator had a candy dish that she kept filled pretty much all the time. I bought three bags of candy last week and it's all gone! Woa. I can't keep this shit up! Not to mention, I'm sitting by the candy dish... I'd love nothing more than to eat it all day. Jeez. I don't know if candy will stay high on my priority list, that's for sure. (c:

The baby shower was excellent, the thank you's are still unfinished. )c: We got new french doors and a new back door, and the house is warmer already! It's freakin' amazing. And we can have a door mat now! Our old back door was warped and dragged across the kitchen floor when opened, this one actually fits in the frame correctly and doesn't move the mat when opened. I was so excited when I saw it! So worth the money to replace the doors. Love love love them. If we decide to stay in this house, you know windows are back on the top of my wish list. (c: I haven't told Joc though...
About a month to go until the due date. This countdown is annoying but inevitable. I'm anxious to see what the baby looks like, how labor will be and what life with a child is like. Soon, so very soon we will see. It just feels like a long time away still.

Shower time!

2011-04-14T09:15:00.000-04:00

The nursery is almost complete, thank you Jocelyn!! Joc has done so, so much in that room, who am I kidding, she's done pretty much everything... I think I weighed in on when it was time to take the spare bed out and helped move the furniture a little but really, that's about it. She painted a row of sheep on the wall that she made by drawing and cutting out cardboard stencils, she made our old TV armoire into a mini closet (the doors and drawers need one last coat of paint and should be installed by the end of the weekend), she unpacked the crib and put it together in record time, she took an old dresser put a fresh coat of paint on it and changed the knobs for fancy brushed nickel knobs and built a changing table topper for the baby to have diaper changes. She bought some nice baskets for blankets, and organized the clothes, she's rearranged the room (a few times) so it flows perfectly, she installed a dimmer switch for the light, and bought a nightlight to keep on for the baby. She's been the perfect helper for this baby momma. I am so blessed and lucky to have her around to help us prepare and most days, I think she's more excited than I am to meet this dancer that's grown to about 5 pounds now in my uterus. (I call him or her a dancer because he likes to back his butt up into my right side... I've taken to singing that song, "back that thing up" all the time... I rub my side and say, "honey, there's no more room over there!") She rubs my feet after a long day at work, is sensitive (most times) to my hormonal needs, and is constantly rubbing my belly and talking to our baby.

I took some pictures of the nursery last night but Joc wants to wait until the doors are completed and on the closet before sharing them on facebook and on here.... so you'll have to wait a few more days, it's very cute and very baby.

We have our big and final shower Saturday, we are excited to see our friends and family and to hang out with them to celebrate the baby that will join us soon (thank goodness!). We'll wash the clothes, pack the diaper bag (thanks Rachael!), and start thinking about our hospital bags (although really how can we pack that bag when I might need to wear those clothes yet... and my toiletries are used at least 2x a day... those might be the last minute things we grab along with a meal, when my water breaks or labor begins).

It's getting closer and closer. It's getting real and yet still so unbelievable... there's a baby in my belly. I know it's true but I'm not sure I believe it just yet, not until it comes out and omg... there is it. Gulp.

Solutions

2011-04-07T15:07:00.000-04:00

Solution to my previous dilemma: the boss lady agreed to 24 hours a week in the salary position, so I officially (over the phone and email) accepted the job. The offer letter is "supposedly" in the mail, I start Monday the 18th but have no clue what my schedule will look like. I'm not even sure how flexible it will be or if I'll find myself at the hospital 5 days a week but for different amounts of time each time. Regardless, I hope I've made the correct decision and that I enjoy the new role as much as I hope. It's bittersweet, as my shifts on the unit will be significantly less, I hope to pick up at least one 12 a month but depending on my workload for the new job and how I feel in the last couple months of the pregnancy... I have said since graduating nursing school that I would only work as a bedside nurse for 5 years, here I am at 6 years and I'll be sad to leave it behind. I'm praying this is the path I am supposed to go down and I will still have opportunities. I will mostly miss my co-workers and friends, but will still seem them, at least the ones I am truly friends with.

Another issue I've brought up on this blog: religion. Our struggle, well Joc's more than mine, with the Catholic faith not accepting our relationship has come to a head... but not a big nasty one, a nice and hopefully peaceful one. One of the nuns from Aquinas that Joc spent a semester in Ireland with, Sister Alice, was at the Ireland reunion that we attended a few weeks back. Sister Alice has a gay niece who lives in CO and just had a baby with her partner. We didn't really get into a deep convo with her at the reunion but Joc decided to go to mass at the Marywood chapel (where the Dominican nuns live, whom are affiliated with Aquinas and we were told by a neighbor has an accepting congregation and a more liberal approach to the faith). She ran into Sister Alice at mass but it wasn't until a few days later that Sister Alice emailed Joc to welcome her and let her know how happy she was that Joc had decided to come to mass there. Joc then took the opportunity to express her frustrations with the Catholic church and Father Jim's outright refusal to baptize our baby. Sister Alice's response was lovely. She pretty much disagrees with the stance and hopes that the church moves forward soon (which I'm not holding my breath for but whatever) but she also let her know that there are multiple gay couples who attend mass at Marywood and she's pretty sure there have been baptisms for gay couples there too. She encouraged us to come again and speak with another Sister, who later also emailed Joc to welcome her. It felt nice, and I know Joc was pretty pleased with how it has played out. We'll have to see how it all goes and hopefully, we've found a nice Catholic home to raise our kids without changing our faith to fit our needs.

Dilemma

2011-03-28T11:32:00.000-04:00

I have a dilemma... is that even spelled right? I keep messing with it but according to the spell check gods it's right... don't judge me. (c:

So, I was offered the PDS (professional development specialist or nurse educator) job at work. Here's my dilemas, yes, dilemas as I may be getting an ulcer. I do get about a $4-5 wage increase BUT it's a salary position, so I think y'all know what the means, I'll be paid for 20 hours a week but probably put in more along the lines of 30 hours. Coming from an hourly position, with compensation for every minute I work, this ends up being a decrease in income by about $900. For us (joc and I and the bambino), this might not be the worst case scenario, but I've been itching to get more hours, in fact have been picking up at least a 12 a week, if not a pay period over the past 3 months. I will not be able to work consistent hours on my unit if I take the job. Due to the hourly and salary positions, it violates fair labor laws for me to do this and therefore the HR department could get in trouble and therefore they won't allow it. My new boss and her boss won't let me be hourly in the PDS role either as it would be unfair to the other PDSs who are all salary... so they'd be mad at me in return, which makes for a great work environment.

Now, I've been parttime for the past year now, maybe more than a year now, and paying part time benefits. Yes, they are more expensive and I'll still be looking at the same in the PDS role... plus a new dependent with the bambino since thank you to the prejudice and ignorance of people in power, I can't let Jocelyn put us on her benefits but I digress into another issue. So, basically, I'd be paying more in benefits and making less a year.... seems like an obvious choice doesn't it?

Well, there in lies my problem. PDS roles do not come around often, seriously, people who are in an educator role seem to stay there forever... the people I'd be joining have been in their positions for longer than I've worked at the hospital and I haven't seen a position posted for this ever at my hospital. It's a nice job, I feel very passionate about taking it and having a fun time working with the new grads and orientees and trying to get education crap out to my staff nurses. And to be humble for a moment, I think I'd be really good at it.

I spoke to the CNO (chief nursing officer) today on the phone, and she offered me a possible solution: there's an admission coordinator job that I could work one 12 hour shift a week at, in a salary position, so I get more hours. I think it consists of answering the phone, coordinating patient admissions... sort of a boring desk job that I wouldn't love but it'd get me 12 hours more a week to supplement my income. I countered asking for a salary position at 24 hours a week (instead of the 20 hr/week), which would then increase my yearly income by about $6,000. She is crunching her budget numbers and will let me know by the end of the week.

I'm torn... does it come down to money or enjoying your work? What do I choose?

Salutations!

2011-03-18T11:21:00.000-04:00

Hello there! Just doing a great job procrastinating my thank you's from my work babyshower. I was supposed to do them Tuesday but I found something (I don't even remember what) to do instead then I worked the last few days and now here it is Friday. We have another babyshower on Sunday, a small one with Joc's work people and another shared babyshower as we are both working with someone who is due in the beginning of April. I am so gonna get them done today! Otherwise, the pile will just keep growing, like me!

Speaking of growing, I feel like I'm growing bigger everyday, I haven't shaved my legs in months (not something new for me) but I realized that it's going to be a challenge to shave them well in the next few months. We are 30 weeks today! That means this kid could come in the next two months! That's crazy. That means I need to start worrying about grooming as I'm not sure how much time I will have between onset of labor and preparing to get to the hospital. We have our birthing class in April but I'm not sure that's going to be too useful really. I'll have to wait and find out. So, that's all the details I'll go into but I will say I can't really bend over well/easily anymore so I might have to devise a plan B!

In non-baby news, I got the new job! It was changed from a full time spot to two part time slots... the only thing I'll say is I wanted full time and now we are running into snags of how to get me full time combined with staff nursing. I haven't started, in fact it's been a little bit of a fubar so I hope it's not foreshadowing of what the job will be. I'm also in email talks with Ferris to possibly do clinical teaching in the Fall with them, since they do it locally (I could probably go back to MSU but with a new kid, the commute and a different job, I'm not sure how it would go for me). It sucks that we are waiting on deciding on daycare until I can have a more solid schedule... but that might not happen before the baby even comes! I'm happy about the new job, it starts in the beginning of April, but it hasn't been the smoothest transition. Let's hope it plays out better in the next week or so.

15 years later

2011-02-25T19:08:00.000-05:00

As you all pretty much know now, my dad died when I was just 8 days past my 15th birthday. In a few short days, I hit the 3-0 milestone, making it half my life without my dad.
Half my life.
I can't quite put into writing what that means to me. It hurts, yes. It surprises me. It's not like everyday is spent thinking of my dad, in fact I'm ashamed to say there are days that pass without him crossing my mind at all.
Sometimes I still look for him in people and around me.
Last week, I was walking out of work to my car and as I walked around a corner the wind was blowing and the smell of a bakery consumed me. Immediately, I was in the bakery standing infront of the rack of freshly made donuts. I had on my white apron, my dad was at the fryer and the music was playing. A smile crossed my face and I said simply, "hey dad. sure do miss you around here." And as soon as it was there, the smell and the memories were gone.
I never had the opportunity to get to know my dad, only in the way an adolescent knows their parents. I look at my mom differently in my adulthood, I know her differently. I respect her difficult choices she made when we were young and I love her in a different way. I wish I could have a glimpse of who my dad really was.
I suppose this is just another milestone I must pass in my life and the next one will be my 44th birthday.
If you think of it on March 9th, stop a minute and say a prayer or think of me, my dad or my family. 15 years can feel like an awfully long time.
Miss you and love you pops, see you on the other side.

Exhausted

2011-02-14T11:30:00.000-05:00

Who knew this kid would suck the life outta me?! Well, I guess pretty much all of you who read this blog did. Just off a weekend of work and dang, was I tired! Both days were so busy, my legs were tired, my body was tired, my mind was tired. I really am suffering from pregnancy brain... even a doctor asked me about it... I officially feel dense. ugh.

Well, my interviews went well. I don't want to jinx myself by saying it's in the bag... because honestly, I'm not certain. I know the other three candidates well enough, and all but one would do a great job. (is that mean, I just know one of them and I'm hoping her interviews didn't go as stellarly as mine...) I'm not even sure when we will hear. There is probably one more interview though. It's like, make the decision already!! Gollly!!!

I have today off, my only plans are to go grocery shopping and for a walk. It's great! Cooper shares my sentiments as she is snoring on the pillow next to me. Is that spring in the air? I sure hope so!

Feed me

2011-02-07T16:34:00.003-05:00

Salutations!

Oy, February already, seriously people! What is this?!

Lately, all my posts have been pregnancy updates and I'm not sure that's what I wanted this blog to be about... but it's becoming about that, I suppose my life is becoming about that.

Non-pregnancy front:

Did you know I'm interviewing for a different job? It's still at my current place of employment, just as a Professional Development Specialist. wew, all that to just call myself an educator. (c: I have my interview on Friday, actually got the schedule about 30 minutes ago. Three 45 minute panel interviews, with directors, managers and other educators, jeez. Is this all really necessary?! I mean, really. It's about 2 hours and 15 minutes of interviewing, I'm a little nervous, not really sure what the hell they are gonna ask me about for 45 minutes x 3 but whatever dude. I think I'm going to have to get an outfit though... my belly is rounder than ever and sticking out like never before! I'm hoping this is a full time, Monday through Friday gig, no weekends or holidays but I have a feeling they'll take two part timers. Which might be okay as well.... what with day care and such. I'm not getting too worked up really, just taking it in stride. Wish me luck!

This isn't to say I won't be doing anymore teaching in clinicals... I'm just not sure I have a job in that just yet and since I'm not really gonna work this summer (as the kid is due at the end of May), I'm just taking it in stride... remember?!

On the pregnancy front:

I'm having the weirdest dreams. I mean weird guys. Like, I birth the baby in the middle of the store, wrap it up and say, "it's too early!" then I shove it back up my vagina. Yup, weird. The other night it was that I was sitting at the table with a bunch of people (did I know them?) and I looked down and my belly is see through and the baby is floating around waving at me. Ha! Seriously! Weird. Or I'm being chased by sharks... Speaking of sleeping- my hips are killing me. I might develop a stage I pressure ulcer, and I keep waking up on my back... which I'm not supposed to sleep on (as it can occlude the blood flow to me and baby) but I can't help it! It's probably because my hips are screaming for relief. I feel badly for my patients that are stuck in bed turning every two hours... they must be sore!!! And did I mention I'm just getting more and more round? Lord, today I put on my shirt and sweater and was like, "what the hell?! this thing is huge!" And I'm only 24 weeks (and a 3 days). I'm going to be as big as a house by May aren't I?!

I need a beer!

Take it in stride, take it in stride, take it in stride... (I'm like the little engine that could)...

I can feel it...

2011-01-24T16:17:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm definitely feeling this child kick around... and maybe even felt some hiccoughs today. It's the weirdest feeling, I like to describe it: it feels like my bowels are alive and the gas has a major attitude. The first couple weeks of feeling baby Gabe kick around I only realized it after it was over... just too fluttery. But now, for sure there is kicking and poking going on. And when I feel it on the inside, not on the outside, it's weird. Like the other day, I'm pretty sure my bladder was kicked, it wasn't full so no worries there. And Joc can feel baby Gabe kick around, it's nice that she can share in the pokes.

Officially, we've registered. Target and Babys R' Us. That trip to Babys was a long event, I think we were there for 3 hours. ugh. Why does there need to be so many damn colors, brands and types?! I mean, what's a receiving blanket for vs. a blanket vs a burp cloth. I mean, please people! And then we're scanning things and I'm like, we aren't sticking to one theme here, which is 100% fine with me but I worry about Joc and her anal ways in decor and matching. Whatever. I'm not sure we registered for enough... but I think we're ok and we can always add stuff at any time...

I have some belly pictures but they are all on my phone so once I upload them to my photobook, I can add one on here for my non Facebook friends. I can honestly say this pregnancy thing hasn't been the greatest deal, I'm enjoying it and I'm glad we are pregnant, I'm just saying there are lots of things I'd give back. Like gaining weight, feeling large and having people say "you don't even look pregnant" and me wanting to say back, "my gut does NOT stick out like this on any other given day... please". But the people who do let their gut stick out in tight shirts ruin it for us tall pregnant women! It's been hard for me to let myself gain weight. People always laugh at me when I say that, but it's true. To watch the numbers climb on the scale every month at the doctor's office is not easy for me, who has always been a large person this is getting ridiculous and from what I read, I'll be packing on the poundage in the next couple months. And having a May baby might be "the best time" according to so many people, but being pregnant during the winter hasn't been the greatest. It's cold and so getting outside for walks and playing is hard, the sun rarely shines around this city so if I wasn't depressed about getting fat, I'm depressed about not seeing the sun. Ugh. But, anyway, I am looking forward to picking a pediatrician, finding a daycare and going to birthing class. Also, meeting this kid and watching him/her grow up, eventually talking to him/her like adults and becoming grandparents. I mean, I have plans man! I just have to get through the fat months.

Shopping

2011-01-06T08:48:00.002-05:00

It sounds weird. It feels weird. We are officially church shopping, God shopping if you will.

Just before Christmas, Joc and I saw a lawyer about how to secure Jocelyn's rights as a parent for our child. We are having our lawyer draw up DPOA paperwork for financials and healthcare, we are doing a living will, an "if we seperate in the future this is what you get and this is what I get" document, and a domestic partnership agreement. Which we were also informed, could be thrown out in a heartbeat in any Michigan courtroom. Sigh. Wouldn't it be easier to just let us get married? (Ironically, if we do end up seperating in the future, Joc would have no rights, etc to the kids but she could be forced to pay child support. Right, you won't let us get married nor make her a legal gaurdian but you will force her to pay child support on a child that she can't legally claim is her own... What the hell?) Sigh. We are doing it anyway, at least the DPOA stuff will hold up in hospitals and if either of us die. Joc will always be "mom" in our house but to the courts she's just a friend of the family.

Then, Joc decided if she couldn't legally be "mom" then she'd religiously be "Godmother". So, she made an appointment with our local Catholic priest who dutifully informed her that no child from artificial means could ever be baptized in a Catholic church. And technically, we aren't Catholics anymore because of the way we choose to live (the Catholic church says we can be gay, we just can't be practicing, i.e. sexual relations). Joc, of course, was tearful and heartbroken. I was pissed, irritated, hurt, judged, etc. We aren't that nieve, we knew the stance of the Catholic church on our relationship, but I don't think either of us expected to be told we aren't Catholic because of our committed, loving, monogomous and caring relationship.

We have in the past, talked about attending a church that is more inclusive, less judgemental and more accepting but ultimately, didn't want to leave the Catholic faith. Because of this, we haven't been "good" Catholics, we think about going to church every week, we just never make it. Can you blame us? Would the priest look at us and refuse us communion? Now, we are looking at different churches. And it feels weird. I have to shop around for a church that says, "oh yeah, you're relationship is fine with us! God does love you... well our God, maybe not the other God." Isn't there one God? Isn't he all loving and caring? Doesn't he love us, no matter what?

I told Jocelyn that I don't believe God hates our relationship, that He sees us in a sinful light. Back when Joc and I were just dating and she was living in Chicagoland and I in GR I was out on a walk one evening and I said some prayers. It's not an easy thing to admit to oneself, let alone others, that you are gay so I was talking to God about it. I asked Him if it was okay, if I was supposed to be in this place, with this person. I said, "if this is where I'm supposed to be, if Joc and I are supposed to be together, just let me know." The next week, Joc was offered a job in Grand Rapids (and she had not submitted any applications, her resume had found it's way there from a job search years ago). I took that as a pretty strong sign.

The second reason I don't believe God is against us is this. We went through the artificial insemination process three times. The first two times, I can say I wasn't praying at all, Joc was as she always prays. The third time, as we waited in the office for the sperm to do their swimming thing, Joc and I joined hands and I said, "let's say a prayer". She said simply, "may God's will be done". One month later, we're pregnant. I don't take those signs lightly.

So, hopefully God is pointing us toward Him, maybe not in the way we've always known (the Catholic church) but in a new place. I'm pretty sure we'll be going the Episcopalian Church route, as they are very similar to Catholicism with the gay acceptance piece. I look forward to the path He is setting us on. And hey, if you have a moment, say a prayer for us and our family.

Thank you.

The lasts

2010-12-07T17:28:00.002-05:00

We put up our Christmas decorations over the past weekend. As we were erecting our fake tree (because it's cleaner, cheaper and easier than a real one) I said to Joc, "Do you realize this is our last Christmas with just us, for like at least 18 years, probably longer." We just sort of looked at each other and realized what that meant to each of us. I know things are going to change, dramatically, but we'll be the same people... right? I got to thinking, how many other "lasts" are we going to have over the next 7 months?
Last travels with the only hassle being the dog and what to do with her, last evenings out doing whatever without childcare planned, last days "off" with nothing to do... I could probably make quite a list. But I won't.
This is scary. It's nerve wracking and unclear. It's going to be hard, but I've done hard before. It's gonna be fun and I love fun. It's gonna be like nothing we can even imagine.

Oh my aching...

2010-11-24T15:46:00.002-05:00

well, i'm about to enter my second trimester and my fingers, toes, eyes, and any other appendage that is crossable is crossed that I will start feeling better very soon. I've just been so freaking nauseous that I'm irritable. The last week has been the worst yet, but today (and I don't want to jinx myself) I've been much improved. My nausea was restricted to two times... that's really good as before it was simply constant nausea. I dry heaved once, so it's really good. Friday marks the start of week 14 and 2nd trimester, so hold your breath for me. I am feeling more energetic though, and from what I read that's how the second trimester is. here's hoping.
Here's a debate Joc and I are having (although it's not really a debate as she says she'll go with whatever I want): finding out the sex of the child. I'm all for surprise at the delivery but she's leaning towards finding out for planning, naming and bonding pre-birth. I don't feel like it's that big of a deal to find out or not, I mean we're having a baby- it's gonna be a boy or a girl. What's the big deal?! We have 5 more weeks as the ultrasound won't happen till week 19 or 20, it ain't even scheduled yet so there's plenty of time to decide.

Class is nearing an end, and I'm so ready! I keep looking at these students and thinking, "was I this slow and scared as a student nurse?!" I don't think so. Every single clinical day is a day of trying my patience. It's consistently, what I would never say to their faces, stupid questions... just irritating and what I consider obvious reasoning. Like, screwing on a needle to draw up some drugs from a vial and saying, "wait, i don't see how this fits together" Seriously!!! They are a perfect fit?!!!! But, of course, I keep the steam from spewing from my ears and the frustration out of my voice and just say, "it fits, why don't you see what you can figure out". UGh. It's possible that my pregnancy hormones could be contributing but sometimes I just want to push them aside and said, "watch me do this". Or my one of my favorites, we were gonna give an IVpush med via a central line (sorry non medical friends, i'm gonna lose you for a moment) and we drew up the lasix, had a flush. We go into the patient's room, and the student proceeds to clean the hub of the line then the syringe end, then the hub, then the syringe. I said, "whatcha doing?" and she said, "well it could be dirty" I said, "did you drop it on the ground? Or maybe licked it after you drew it up?" she giggled. I was dead serious. I said, with the family in the room and watching, "we took it out of sterile packaging, drew from a clean top and sterile container then ambulated directly to the room. All the while, holding the syringe in your hand, covered. How would it have become dirty?" Lord help me. My other favorite was when I asked the student to go look at the antibiotic hanging so I could verify it in the MAR and she came back and told me it was Penicillin Strawberry. (I'll let you take a moment to giggle because she said it with a straight face) I said, those sound more like allergies than an antibiotic... could you look again? Oy.
Now, don't get me wrong. I like the interactions (usually) and the teaching aspect is fun. But nursing school is ancient. The things they teach sometimes are so old school then they get into the field and they say "why didn't they teach us this in school?" The honest answer, most of the teachers haven't been at a bedside since Florence Nightingale was nursing. For these reasons, I feel that I can't just quit because it's been a challenge. It'll probably get better, this group of students might not be the greatest and smartest but they'll still make good nurses. No one is unsafe, cleaning a syringe and hub isn't going to kill anyone, it's just gonna take extra time. They will eventually learn the "real" way nursing is practiced at the bedside... I just hate to contribute to the statement, "I didn't learn anything in nursing school."

It's time...

2010-11-08T17:52:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone!
It's been well over a month since my last post... I apologize. There are a few reasons for this- first and foremost is I felt that by writing a post about frivolous things would take away from the fact that we are pregnant and I couldn't tell you all yet!!!! That's right, we did it. We're gonna be parents!!! (I can't tell you how freaky that sounds, and life changing- astonishingly life altering)
To address your questions:
We are 11 weeks along, just a week or so (depending on who is counting) from the 2nd trimester. I've been feeling okay, mostly nauseous 24/7 since week 7, although after my first appointment, B6 supplements were recommended and the nausea is now a bit better and not constant. According to my sister Juli, her nausea lasted until week 12 then poof, gone. I'm so holding out for that moment. I think I've gained about a pound so far, my goal is 15-20 lbs as I'm already a FFG (full figured gal). I've been trying to stay active but my busy schedule and commute to Lansing Monday and Tuesdays have put a cramp in my plans. But I haven't given up yet and I will find my niche. Our due date is May 26 and we are not finding out the sex. We do have names but there are so freaking many and the pressure to pick one out for a little person, to have their whole life, is a lot!
So, that's all that's new in our lives. (c: Pretty big deal, right? (c:
We are very excited.
p.s. please don't post anything on facebook just yet, as the news is still being spread to my immediate family members. thanks!

leave the light on...

2010-09-13T19:26:00.002-04:00

It has begun, today was in hospital orientation and tomorrow, the students take an official assignment. Finally. Now, if I could feel like an experienced and knowledgable instructor. What a pain in the butt. I have a mentor who has been extremely helpful in keeping me organized but I have to say I'm sick of making to do lists and getting through one to start a new one. Oy! It'll all pay off, I know it.

Lasagna is in the oven, almost finished so I'm only posting to say all is well on this home front. Just staying afloat these days. My running and biking has slacked considerably in the past two months, I went for a 14 mile bike ride over the weekend and barely maintained 15mph average (I can generally hit 17-18) but it was ridiculously windy so I chalked it up to that. I have to get back in the busy life timelines and squeezing workouts in when I have time not just in the mornings that I've really gotten used to over the last year (since i went parttime at work). I know, here I am complaining about not enough time to workout and my friend Jennifer who is a missionary in Africa is struggling with keeping a friend alive on so many levels. I'm humbled now.

There's my buzzer, off to consume some dinner. Any thoughts and prayers you can send out to Jennifer and Tim in Africa would be appreciated! (she's the blog labeled "A time as this")

Shiny and New

2010-08-25T09:57:00.004-04:00

Hello again, how is everyone?
I'd say I'm doing okay. I am a bit stressed at this time but that should be resolving in about a week's time.

You see, I started my new MSU job about a week and a half ago. Who knew it was so much paperwork and eye drooping orientation to go through? It's tiring really and all I want is to meet my 9 students and get on with the semester. But, alas, I must sit through the meetings, learn the politics of the school and complete all the required paperwork. I have about 5 lists of "to dos" prior to Sept 1st and I keep misplacing them. This could be lending to my stress? The lists, I'm afraid, are tending to lengthen as I worry about what to cover in post clinical, if I should write some case studies for the students, and if the staff on my unit will be as welcoming as last semester (this I'm not too worried about as I am phoning the manager today to set up a little 1 on 1 to chat about expectations, etc from me and the students). Like I said, it'll be okay and the semester will fly by. I secretly hope MSU offers to extend my contract and welcome me back in the spring for another go round since all this paperwork and orientation is exhaustive who would want to do it again?! I even have an "office" and I put "" around that because it's really a conference-like room that a few of us new kids share along with the mailboxes and copier that the rest of the profs share.... so really, even though Joc got all excited and told me to take a picture of it, it's not a true office but it's a step in the right direction. I hope I'm gonna love this just as much as I dream I will.

Other new and shiny things include the basement glassblock windows that are being installed as I type this entry. Joc and I have gone round and round about how to best waterproof our basement. A sump pump is in our future (I think) but she'd rather DIY it and leave it to the next bloke who buys the house. I'd rather add the pump and add the value to the house and be able to tell the next guy, yes our basement leaked but we installed new windows, sealed the cracks and put in a sump pump. Guaranteed dry baby! One thing we agreed on was new windows, so for relatively cheap, we are getting those fancy glass blocks. I'm pretty excited. The dude just finished knocking out the old windows and will start placing the new one's shortly. PUMPED!

And for those keeping track, we are still not pregnant. Sigh, but the prayers and thoughts are appreciated and whether our children come from us or from another, we will build our family.

Now I will start at the top of my shiny and new "to do" list and start crossing things off damn it, I need to see some progress already!

Until we meet again...

Can I be political for a minute?

2010-08-13T08:22:00.003-04:00

I'm not usually politically charged on my blog or really in my life (I try to have some clue as to what is happening but who am I kidding? I have minimal passion therefore minimal interest...).

Not sure how many of you watch the news or keep up an interest in what is happening in California but a judge recently revoked the ban on gay marriage that voters had passed about a year ago. I'm happy about this for many reasons and very disheartened by the right-wing response for many reasons.

I can't wrap my head around why on earth someone would make such a big deal, and I emphasize big, about two people committing to each other for the rest of their lives. For fuck's sake! Why do you care what I do? Why is who I love such a huge deal to you that you want it written in the constitution (of your state but also the country) that I cannot marry the person I have to sleep with, not you?! I just don't see how my marriage affects you.

Canada, where I am legally married, has recognized gay marriage for years, let's go up there and see how many marriages have ended because gay people can express their love for their spouse? How has filing taxes as one household tainted your marriage? How has legally being the designated decision maker when the other spouse can't speak for themselves ruined the decisions a straight person can make? Has anyone divorced their husband or wife because gay people are legally "allowed" to marry? (unless said person is gay and decided to come out and live their life...but that's a whole other concept)

I just shake my head at people's arguments. I recently browsed some blogs and came across this post. (I particularly love the sanctity of marriage comments, the marrying dogs one and the marriage should be decided by the voters.) I was so very moved by this man's simple, basic and straightforward refutes I have re-read it multiple times. There is an underlying anger burning but he comes across in some pretty common sense retorts. He also wrote this one that made me want to stand up and high five someone and breakdown into tears at the same time.

This decision in California makes me happy because I see it as one small step forward for gay people. You know, Massachusetts has had legalized gay marriage for years, years I said. Has the Mormon church forgotten about them? What about Iowa?

I consider myself a spiritual person, I may not go to church frequently or even consistently, but I have a good relationship with God. I believe that He loves me for who I am, for my commitment to my wife for my love and support I show her every single day. I try to love others, help others and follow what path God has laid out for me. My God does not hate me for committing my life to my spouse, or desiring to raise children. He won't send me to hell when I die for loving Jocelyn all my life and being a faithful wife. I don't believe it. If you do, I suppose you can pray for me or whatever you believe will "save" me but I don't think I need it.

I'll end this rant here and remind everyone who reads my blog who is legally married and has all the rights and freedoms that document provides you that Jocelyn and I don't have, to be grateful and thankful that you don't have to think about it at all. Be thankful people don't do a double take when you are holding hands with your spouse in public, and that the simple things you take for granted daily are freedoms that gay people are fighting for.

Love each other man! Why does hate have to be the underlying emotion to so many people's arguments?

Jealousy

2010-08-04T15:30:00.002-04:00

What does it mean to be jealous? Is all jealousy bad or can there be a "healthy" level of jealousy?
What about envy?
Aren't these all part of the seven deadly sins? Well, maybe not jealousy but envy is and isn't jealousy a precursor of envy?

Mr. Potter

2010-07-21T10:39:00.002-04:00

This summer has been really great for my reading. Since finishing school, and continuing to work part time I have had many hours of leisurely reading time for none other than, me. And it's been grand! I was able to breeze through a few great books, maybe I'll mention them here and a quick synopsis (as I'm glancing at my bookshelf now, I'm surely only hitting a few).
The Girls From Ames, Jeffery Zaslow
Great read about a group of 13 women and how they have forged a friendship from youth to now (mostly in their 40s or 50s) without technology (initially) and living across the country. It was a little slow to get into as you have to learn who they are and sort of keep flipping back to the pictures to place them together but in the end, there are many tears and you want to pick up the phone and call your best friends and say, "thanks for being my friend". A great read for any woman with good friends from youth.
The Road, Cormac McCarthy
This one took me ages to pick up and commit to actually reading. I work with a guy who is a Cormac McCarthy fan and he told me repeatedly to read it. It's not a happy book, it's pretty much a survival story of a father and son after the world has... ended isn't the right word. It's almost as I'd imagine the world would be if whatever happened to the dinosaurs happened now. It was a fast read once I got into it, and like I said, it's not a feel good book. The cover is black for gosh sakes, and the ending isn't the "happiest" but still worth it.
City of Thieves, David Benioff
Oh man, I really enjoyed this quick read. Based on a true story, set in Russia during Nazi-era when Hilter and the Germans were attempting to take over Russia. This story is around a boy (the author's grand father) and a way-ward Russian soldier who are sent on a mission to get one dozen eggs... great writing, adventure and humor make this story, great... I highly recommend it.
The 8th Confession, James Patterson
I enjoy the stories of the Lady Detective series... they are fast, suspenseful reads and easy to plow through in a few days. The 9th one is out but I'm waiting for soft cover.
Making Toast, Roger Rosenblatt
Another quick read, a true story of the author's sudden and unexpected loss of his daughter (an accomplished doctor to a rare hear defect) and how him and his wife move in with their son-in-law and their 3 kids (all very young). It's a great story about loss, grief and moving on after someone dies.
Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
I'm working on this one... a girl at work lent it to me and I enjoy the writing style and the author's vigor to find meaning in her life. I just let myself get interrupted by none other than Mr. Harry Potter. As I saw a preview for the final movie and wanted to re-read the final books. So, I haven't finished this one- but I will and I'm sure it'll be a fine read over all.
Harry Potter (book 5)
I don't know how many HP fans are out there reading this, but I just love these books! If you haven't read the series, I highly recommend plowing through the first couple and then enjoying the 4-7 books (the best in my opinion). I had forgotten how long the 5th book was... blimey! But I finished it last night and this morning picked up the 6th one. It's different knowing what the ending is, ultimately, but the suspense is still there. And I'm really picking up on things I probably breezed over in the first couple reads. (Yes, this is my third or fourth time reading the books...)

So that's it. I have until August 16th to fit in more reading... I still have 3 books I definitely need to get in, that I'd forgotten about when I bought them. I love a good read!

You probably already know...

2010-07-10T10:47:00.002-04:00

I think all of the 5 people who still read my blog are friends with me on facebook and know that I accepted an adjunct teaching position at Michigan State University for the fall semester 2010. What a relief! I was so happy to accept and feel like a contributing part of my relationship again. I have really enjoyed being part time, having that extra day a week to do, honestly? nothing. But, it's time I get going with reality. The big question I keep seeing and hearing is, are you leaving saints? The answer- not at the moment. For you non-academics, adjunct=no benefits, so as healthy as I am and not necessarily in need of benefits, they are nice to have for the "just in case" times and then there's that whole attempting to get pregnant thing... so i'll be staying at Saints part time. Every week feels differently at work, I feel it's a perfect fit and I don't want to leave the bedside one week then the next comes and I'm feeling burned out and don't want to come back. So, for now, I stay and work.
The job starts August 16th, so I have about a month of mentally preparing and organizing myself before jumping in! Thanks for all the encouragement and faith, praying it goes well and I have a good group of students to start my teaching experience.

What'd you call me?!

2010-06-28T09:47:00.002-04:00

July, can you believe it's July (almost)?! I called my mom today and realized this weekend is the 4th, wow. You know, I'm not sure why time moving so quickly is so surprising to me (always). It just is.
So, I'm not pregnant, I can say this confidently. I had a few days there that I thought it was going to happen, but I think I psyched myself out (and Joc too). So, back to the grindstone we go. With hopeful thoughts for the next round, which I think I'll keep more on the dl for our sanity and the decreased pressure. Not that I don't like the support, I just think it might put added pressure on my uterus, egg and those foreign spermies. So, when and if I'm pregnant, you'll find out. And thank you for the kind words and support you've shown us without hesitation, I really do appreciate your love and support, it is felt through the WWW. (c:

So, my next ventures this summer are:
1. MSU interview (that's correct people, MSU!) through my connections at school, I've secured an interview (finally!) for a clinical teaching position for the fall. thank the Lord! Ferris officially emailed the generic "thank you for your interest BUT we've filled our positions, we'll keep your CV on file, blah blah blah" so they're out. My last other hope is Davenport where I submitted an app for a clinical coordinator position, they are reviewing the applicants and calling for interviews around the 9th of July, so if that were to come through I might be more excited than MSU because it would be a pretty good experience. as always, I'll keep you posted.
(On a side note, there was a small article in the Sunday GR Press about the high need for Nursing instructors... right, I was ticked when I read that. If you need em so badly, why don't you hire people who are fully capable?! BA! This looking for a job is a biotch man!)
2. Tri Del Sol July 17th. My first tri of the season, I'm not as trained as I'd like to be (as I was last season) because my training buddy went to Africa and it's not as easy for me to get in the open waters of Millennium Park knowing what's in the water... I know it's a bit pathetic but what can I say? (c: But it's doable, and I purchased clip-on pedals so I'm all set for a good race.
3. Millennium Tri August 8th. Same story as above but it's a touch shorter and I'll be better prepared because of the Tri del Sol and more time between races.

That's it. I really got online this morning to check into my cable bill and what would be cheaper AT&T or Comcast, and to organize my student loans... damn things. But since it's been awhile since I've updated, I was distracted. Now, onward to evaluate my costs!

Happy July people!

It's here!

2010-06-08T11:28:00.002-04:00

It's June... and I'm days away from ovulation. Too much info? You may want to stop reading now (c: This is the month, our first attempt at pregnancy. Over the last two or three years I'd say, Joc and I have gone back and forth about starting a family. I can't remember if I've shared our struggles on this blog, so I'll fill you in now (again possibly).
It started with me not feeling ready for a family, I wanted so badly to travel as a nurse and get the hell out of Grand Rapids and Michigan for that matter. Joc felt the desire to carry a child pretty strongly and I was indifferent about the idea. (Sidebar: I always had this feeling that I would be single all my life, that I might eventually adopt a child if I came to that crossroads in my life, but I had definitely not planned on children or a partner in my life, obviously that has all changed for me, as life always leads us in different directions than planned). After I spent my summer as a nurse in Denver and missed Michigan like hell (and the hospital as well), we decided to get Jocelyn prepared to get pregnant. Now, I'm pretty sure that most of you who read this blog are well aware of my sexuality and that I'm gay... so I shouldn't have to point out that we needed a bit of sperm to make this happen. I'm sure I'm remembering it easier than it was, we went and spoke to a fertility doctor in GR, who explained the process, what we'd be looking at for costs, yadda yadda. It came down to Jocelyn's depression, she's on anti-depressants and would need to wean herself off. So, she began the long process of decreasing her dose, and let's just say it failed, miserably for all involved. (c: So, then the hurdle came of her coming to the realization that she just wasn't going to be able to carry a child in a healthy way, especially since we couldn't just have one of those, "oops! forgot the condom/birth control/diaphragm" kind of nights and "wala!" pregnant... So, we backed off, for probably a year we didn't do too much talking about it, I had begun to realize it was either me or adoption. We looked into adoption, it's costly and difficult for a same-sex couple to adopt in this state, not illegal but extremely difficult. We finally got to the point of me being the uterus (it wasn't an easy process for Joc as she prepared for what her feelings might be like watching me pregnant and wanting it badly herself). We went back to the fertility doctor who went through the process again for us, I started taking my temperatures to track my ovulation and we set a tentative month as April to try. Well, the beauty of planning pregnancy as we've done is that it's easy to push back the dates, there's always something to wait for. We knew we wouldn't go for February or March, because of our Mexican vacation... I wasn't paying $1000 to sit at the pool and drink Shirley Temples, so April would have been a good month. Then my friend Kelly and Oliver got engaged and invited us for a late May wedding in San Francisco... after some thought and internal ethical debate (would it be bad to get the insemination in the middle of May and then go to the wedding and drink knowing I might be pregnant?) so we pushed to June. Then more problems arose at the end of April, early May with Jocelyn and the struggle of the Catholic faith and what we were "allowed" to do and be according to "them". It was not easy, I'll leave it at that, for Joc to accept that our child who was conceived out of love but not in the "traditional" method, was unaccepted. I can say that I was much more at ease with the choice than Jocelyn. There were priests and prayers and arguments and tears shed, but in the end, I guess I can say I won. (And I'm happy to report that a study that just came out of California shows children from same-sex female parenting did better in their 17 years than those in heterosexual households. So there! No evidence that it's better or worse to have two moms.)
So here we are! June 8th, according to my past cycles (all very regular 28 days) I should have my LH surge (that's ovulation folks) tomorrow or the 10th. Gulp. Our sperm is on stand by at the office, waiting to meet our egg... and I say our's because while it's coming from my ovary, it's still a labor of both our love.
I am keeping my excitement down, I'm nervous that I'll ovulate on the 10th while I'm working and not be able to have the insemination until Friday... is that gonna hinder us? Who knows. It probably won't take the first time, the sperm website says 4-6 attempts, our doctor says he'd give it 3 unsuccessful attempts before running tests. But, maybe it will... we should know by the end of the month if it worked but of course, will need to wait for that 10-12 week mark before really spreading the word (in case it doesn't take). I'm nervous about this huge change... about telling people I'm pregnant and dealing with their comments or lack there of. My body is going to change in multiple ways, I mean there's going to be a kid inside me! I'm honestly a little afraid of what people at work will think and (this is sort of pathetic) if they'll throw me a baby shower... it's funny the things you worry about. I know that it's going to be a long 10 months or so of no alcohol... again, pathetic but when I enjoy a good summer shandy on a hot evening, I'll have to get used to a nice summer lemonade or that Shirley Temple. But we are ready, this new step will be fun as partners, friends and women.
We are so ready.

Summer's here and so is Emily!

2010-05-25T09:34:00.003-04:00

Ahhh! just got home from a nice muggy run, my eyes were burning from the sweat and i felt sluggish from the heat but man is it nice to run outside in the sun! Ready to turn up my training for my triathalons this summer.
Well, I returned home to GR from a week in Cadillac helping out with my new niece and my 2.75 year old nephew. Man, is he a handful! Everyday I spent with him I was exhausted. I'm not a nap taker but boy was I ever last week, every afternoon after he laid down for his nap so did Auntie Jenn. Emily, my niece, is perfect. She's tiny (for a Gable) 8lb 6 oz and a little short really, only 20 inches long. In contrast to her big brother, she sleeps a lot and eats well. Juli said she only woke up once one night and another, she had to wake her up to feed her. I remember Lucas was a crier, he cried often and loudly... but I suppose babies do that. (c: Jules was doing well, looked tired a few days but will get the swing of things I suppose. Lucas did well with Emily, when she was born he kept saying, "Emily's not in mama's belly anymore. She's at the hospital" It was cute. Once they went home, and Joc and I were out playing with Lucas, he'd get angry if you were holding Emily. "Put the baby down!" and I felt bad for Jules one day he was angry with her, woke up from his nap angry at her, even told her so. "I'm mad at you mama!" He'll get used to Emily hanging around, and he'll probably end up loving her quite a bit to play wiht and push around. She just needs to grow up first (c:
Still on the job hunt, I hear all these rumors of openings, retirements and the "shortage of teachers" but no one has called me back. Funny how that works. I'll keep trying.
Doctor's appointment today, work tomorrow then off to California for a wedding weekend. I'm excited to see Kelly and Oliver get hitched in San Fransisco.
I'll add a few shots of miss Emily for those of you without Facebook (Rachael!).

Wasting Time

2010-05-12T14:08:00.003-04:00

What the heck, I've got nothin' better to do! Since graduation, I've successfully done pretty much nothing with my life and it's been great! The last couple days have been lazy days of reading, watching TV and surfing the web... but now I'm getting bored. My running has even been impacted, it's getting bad. For example, I can sit and watch an episode of "The Biggest Loser" and feel empowered to go work out then I get distracted by gosh knows what and it's later in the day and I have to get showered and dressed. Really, it's all about making excuses. It doesn't help that it's been sub-zero temperatures outside (ok, 40s but still). I'm back in the game tomorrow, I promise myself. I've got some tris to train for darn it!
Still waiting on word of a job. GRCC still has my CV and cover letter, I made a call to their HR department to see what my next step is. I'm thinking I will send an email too and see if I get a response quicker from that. I just emailed my information to Davenport University for an opening for an adjunct nursing faculty person, is it too soon to call them? (c: Yes, since I hit send approximately 10 minutes ago... darn. I emailed with the dean at Western Michigan University, they have two full time, tenure track positions just waiting to be filled. Unfortunately, I lack the magical abbreviation behind my name (PhD) so I have to wait until they have a MSN position open. I really liked the sound of their philosophy and mission, so they are staying on my radar. Back up plans if I have had no word by June will be to apply at Baker College (Cadillac) and maybe try MSU (through my prof or previous preceptor). There's also a spot open at West Shore CC, but that's a good hour and 40 minute commute in good weather... I don't want to think about winters. Those are my back up plans... it's hard to not get discouraged that no one is even responding to my CV... how is it all you hear is related to the shortage of nursing faculty yet no one wants to hire someone interested?! UGH. I suppose I've never had to look for a job, so this is probably normal. In the back of my head I am worried that if I don't use the knowledge I've acquired, I'm going to lose it.
If no one calls me by mid June, I'm gonna have to start broadening my search...

What doesn't kill us...

2010-04-27T10:57:00.002-04:00

Well, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won't be hired at a specific nursing school that I really wanted to be hired at. I should have listened to my gut, once again, and not even applied. I spent a small part of this morning sitting down for what I thought was an interview for a job but what this person, let's call her Bob for faster typing purposes, thought was a consultation. Bob took the 30 minutes we sat together to explain why she wouldn't hire me, why most nursing schools wouldn't hire me. In Bob's words, "No one hires Master's prepared graduates without teaching experience into a Baccalaureate program". I won't go into too many details, just believe me when I say Bob was unprofessional in her interviewing and the majority of the time I wanted to reach across the desk and punch her in the face then gather my stuff and say, "I can see this was a huge waste of my time." Instead, I sat there and listened to her tell me what wasn't good about my CV and why she wouldn't hire me. So I sat down in my car afterward and cried out of anger, frustration, fear and loathing. I got home and emailed my professor who has been telling us that we are "experts" in nursing education, that we know more about nursing education than some of the professors teaching today. I'm waiting to hear back from her, hoping she'll tell me it was a fluke of an interview and to learn from it and move forward.
Here's hoping.

Countdown to a fresh start

2010-04-19T15:28:00.003-04:00

I've officially started my "lasts" of grad school...
-last project (check)
-last paper (check)
-last discussion posting (check)
-last course evaluations (check)
-last quiz, this week
-last journal, due Monday

It's a little overwhelming and a little sad really. I have been looking forward to May 7th since January and now that it's only a little less than 3 weeks away I feel nauseous... I've applied to two schools, "spoke" via email with one director who is not quite ready to start looking at fall semester adjunct facutly yet but "will keep my CV close". (Good? Bad? who knows?) and I am meeting with the other director in a week, even though I was told "we have no posted positions..." what does that mean? Sigh. Can I just say "I really want a job, can you help me with that?" Do I have to go through all the emotions of sending my information, waiting, calling to inquire, setting up an interview, interviewing and then waiting to hear... I'd take summer classes to get out of that! (c: Well, maybe not but it's a thought!
So, my last weeks of grad school trickle by and life returns to "normal", actually I don't know what normal is anymore. So, let's say it starts fresh... hopefully it's a good fresh...

One song

2010-04-14T17:21:00.002-04:00

Do you know how one song can stop you in your tracks, pull you backwards in time to a place only you remember? I have many of those songs, for many different situations. I probably have this because I let music define my life, I have a mini-soundtrack, produced by yours truly, that is constantly playing in my mind. Ask a co-worker and they'll tell you I'm constantly singing or someone will say something and I'll bust into song. I've been told it's pretty entertaining.
Today, while finishing up a paper, I decided to throw on my Sarah McLachlan mix in iTunes. Now, if my friend Sara were still reading my blog she'd immediately ask me "what's wrong?" because I used to put Sarah (McLachlan... I'm on a first name basis with many of the artists on my playlists) on when I was having a bad day, needed a good cry, felt like dwelling, was sad, depressed, yadda yadda, you get it. It's different for me these days, as I've written before, my life is no longer that dark place it used to be but like everyone, I have bad days. Today, though mostly a good day, has had some ups and downs. I started by watching a "Biggest Loser" episode and that's probably where I took a hard turn. There is a father-daughter pair on the show and there was a moment in the show where they had a heart to heart and blah blah blah, there was crying and hugging and "I love yous" and I was crying too (because who can watch that show without tearing up, some of their stories are heart-wrenching). It just was another slap in the face to a glaringly absent space in my life. It's hard to see fathers and daughters share that bond some days because it's something I will never have the chance to have, ever again. It made me think of my dad, a lot and made me miss him. So, I suppose putting Sarah on today wasn't too different from when I was younger.
When my family got home from the hospital (after my dad died) I sat in my room and put Sarah's "Angel" on repeat and cried. When Sara's (Beeler-Lothschutz) dad died in college and I got back to the dorms from her house, I put Sarah (McLachlan- keep up man!) in the CD player and sat in the lounge and cried. That day I mostly cried for myself, remembering what it was like loosing dad, learning to live without him in our everydays. I remember opening the fridge not long after the funeral and seeing the cheese we had bought for him in the door and crying. I remember putting his clothes in a garage sale and one man coming by and buying it all. I remember the little card I kept in my back pocket of my softball pants with a note from him, until I washed it (that was a bad day too). I remember a little about him. Red hair, big guy, big feet, hearty laugh, a scar on his middle finger, palm side of his left hand (in fact when I look at my hands I see his sometimes). Varicose veins (thank you very much!), bald spot, warm armpits (long story...), baker. Bits and pieces remain.
I made my mom a scrapbook awhile back about our family. Later, she posted a note she'd written us after he died that says (basically) that he wouldn't have wanted us to remember him lying on the kitchen floor, his heart would want us to remember him healthy and happy, his heart that wanted to see us grow up and get married and have kids, his heart that loved us so. I still can't read that without crying.
Some days you just need a good cry, a "beautiful release, memories seep from my veins..." Sarah says it so well. This is grief folks, never ending, perpetual and so damn sad. It sucks.
My boss's husband died last week, Joc and I went to the viewing and the moment I walked into the funeral home I wanted to leave. Seriously, how can one smell bring you to a place so vividly? Sort of like a good song.
I feel better now. Back to that paper and living life, that's one thing that is never changing. Life sure does go on.

Group work

2010-04-07T09:01:00.002-04:00

Why does group work go so well some days and so wrong others? One of the final projects for grad school is writing a group paper on Obama's health care reform. One chick in my group seems to be clueless on what it means to support her thoughts with evidence... hello? I'm glad she knows everything she does but without support, it means nothing. Does this mean I will have to write her section? I'm so glad every other group paper throughout school has gone pretty smoothly and received a good grade. I mean, this paper is worth 30% of my freaking grade, it matters to me! I'm almost done, can't it be easy for once? Baaaaa!
Feeling the stress of final projects, just gotta get through a few more weeks and it's over. Oh, and in case you aren't on Facebook, or didn't see my update, I passed my comp exam! Sweet mother, that was pure relief and elation when I read "Congrats!" I screamed like a little girl, it was great. Then, back to reality... group papers and all. Ugh.

Which one will it be?

2010-04-02T08:55:00.002-04:00

So, Jocelyn and I took the time last night to review our sperm choices from the bank website. We picked our top 3 donors that will (hopefully) impregnate me and give us a little babe to toss around. I have many different emotions and feelings attached to this process and a little uncertainty in my fertility. I keep looking at our life and saying, "it's all going to change so much". Yesterday, as an April fools joke, a friend emailed everyone and said that her and her partner had decided to get pregnant and Saturday was their first attempt. My initial feelings were those of jealousy that they might get pregnant before us and irritation that they did not talk to us about it since we've been very open about our journey with them. Then, I was excited that we might be pregnant at the same time and share in baby stories and adventures together with our children. Then the email "APRIL FOOLS!" came and I could only laugh at myself that I had fallen for it without a second thought. Then the disappointment came knowing that if and when we are pregnant, our relationships with our friends might change because of our child (eventually children). I look back at the friends I have who have children and see them altered. I see their focus change and their freedom (for lack of a better word right now) different from Joc and I. Right now, our biggest commitment is Cooper, whom we can board at the kennel or leave home for the afternoon... if we do that with a little one, CPS might be knocking at our door. (c: (BTW- we have no plans on doing this, just to keep things clear) I'm not worried about our abilities to be moms, I'm not concerned we won't be able to handle it (although I might need to remind Joc a few times that she's no longer allowed to whine so much). I'm not even sure I'm worried, just anxious to see what life has for us. I've been saying for a while that my 30s are going to be good, and I think it will be related to building our family and having a great time doing it. Some days I think that we shouldn't wait, that there will always be one more excuse to hold off another month and we should just bite the bullet. Then I think, this will be our last couple months of selfishness and that the next 18-30 years (oh gosh!) will be focused on someone else's needs.
And so my last month of grad school continues, I sent out two applications for faculty positions, and we are planning a family. 2010 is shaping up to be a good year!

I just bought my cap and gown...gulp!

2010-03-19T14:19:00.002-04:00

Well, today is a great end to the week. I am officially re-certified as an ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) provider, I completed my comprehensive exam for my three-year, advanced degree in nursing education (although the best will be when I hear back whether I have passed all of the 5 parts, then the true relief comes), and the weather has been beautiful since our return from Mexico. To top it all off: I bought my cap, gown and cape thing for my May 7th graduation. It should arrive in the mail in one week, I hope I measured my head correctly and when it asked for my chest size I went with the bra size... they make those things big right? I also decided to purchase a nursing pin from MSU, since I have already lost my UDM (undergrad) pin I hope to take better care with this one. We don't have a pinning ceremony for this degree, but I think it represents my education.
Now I just have to make it through a project and a health policy paper on Obama's new healthcare bill. Sounds simple enough.
I am finished teaching clinical for my graduate degree, now I have to move into the role of the teacher. I am looking forward to this, the next question I usually get is: "now what are you going to do?" So, why don't I just fill you in on my plan today, March 19th, 2010 (subject to change in the next 53 days):
there are posted openings through Ferris State University and GRCC that I hope to submit my resume or CV for, I also have a personal referral from Sister Linda (my undergrad teacher and my preceptor from last semester) to apply for the med-surg professor opening at UDM in Grand Rapids. I have some reservations related to this position. UDM is moving towards requiring all full-time professors to enroll in a PhD program. I do not desire a doctorate degree (at this time) nor a full-time position as I want to keep my part-time job in the hospital, and I have another reservation that I am choosing not to write about. I am almost certain I will submit my resume to all three options and see what turns up for choices and where I can start as soon as possible so I can start bringing in some dinero. I have butterflies thinking about running a clinical solo or standing in front of a classroom teaching students, actually teaching them. gulp.

Bucket List

2010-03-01T08:55:00.003-05:00

what's on your bucket lists? I caught a show on MTV this weekend called "The Buried Life" about 4 guys who made a list of the 100 things they want to do before they die and they are doing them. Along the way they are involving regular people and asking what they want to do before they die then helping them accomplish it. For example, the show I watched, they wanted to party at the Playboy mansion (they snuck in, it was funny and only 2 of them got in) and they raised money (by playing music and performing on the street) to buy a computer for a local elementary school, because that's what the guy they stopped and asked wanted to do before he died. It was a good show, and got me thinking. I suppose I'd like to do some skydiving, see the Grand Canyon, buy a house in Ireland, be a parent, make a difference in someone's life....
What about you?

Not to rub it in but...

2010-02-22T09:18:00.002-05:00

The countdown to Mexico begins today! 12 days until Joc and I are in the hot weather. Thank God! This Michigan winter is enough to send someone off the deep end. February has proven to be very blah, cold and more blah, okay so last week we had a few sunshine days but I was mostly indoors without the opportunity to get out and experience them so baaaa! they don't count for me. As excited and ready for a break as I am, it worries me that the semester is progressing so quickly and without regard for my stress level. I keep telling myself that life will ease up after spring break and after the cumulative exam on the 17th but I'm not so sure, but praying it gets lighter. My last three trips to Lansing happen this week (2) and next week (Thursday) and then I'll have a few extra hours to complete homework and readings and get some resumes out to colleges.

I had a particularly emotionally draining day at work yesterday, I am precepting a senior level nursing student (what we call the leadership rotation, it's an opportunity to get the student into the nursing world) who is hungry to learn everything and anything she can. This can be particularly draining simply because it's double the load on my brain and can really slow down my day that is already busy and complex. But, I love to teach and love to offer experiences so I truly don't mind in the least and if it's just not a good time, I say, "we'll need to talk about that later". Anyhoo, we had a 63 year old gentleman who was alone at home for approximately 5 hours and found unresponsive by family, EMS brought him to the ER where he deteriorated quickly needing a breathing tube (for my medical friends he promptly vomited and aspirated with the intubation adding to his problems) then his CT scan (of his brain) showed a brain stem infarct (large) (translation: he had a large stroke). To keep the story short: neurologist comes to assess him and tells the family he is nearly brain dead (but not quite), ICU doctor tells the family he is nearly dead and he will most likely not survive this stroke, family is large and outspoken, upset (understandably), don't understand that his reaction to pain is a reflex as opposed to the brain telling him to respond to pain appropriately. I took over Sunday morning where we met with the neurologist twice (once for a thorough assessment to demonstrate to the family how poor his prognosis is and a second time to look at a new scan of his brain that showed about 80% of his brain tissue severely and permanently damaged), then with the ICU doctor twice to talk about his code status and the options for treatment as well as at the end of the 12 hour day to talk about his rising and uncontrollable temperature (between 38 and 39.5 celcius or 102-104ish F). There were many emotions running high all day and I left with a headache and exhausted. He will die, they were coming to terms with the decision to take him off life support because he will never recover. I hope I helped them feel at ease with that hard and unimaginable decision. They want to be sure he will never wake up, no one can tell them for 100% certainty, we can offer a 99% chance he will never wake up but they cling to that 1% chance of a miracle. Are they wrong? If we wait too long and he doesn't herniate on his own, he will live on a vent with a feeding tube in a nursing home for however long it takes his heart to stop beating of its own accord. How many people want that?
It's been a long time since I've been involved in a case like this one, it felt good to come into their lives at such a hard time and offer a support they needed. They look for hope in every small nook and the word miracle was thrown out a few times, with the neurologist and ICU doctor both saying if he survives this and wakes up, it will be a miracle. It sounds bad to most non-medical people, but I pray he dies on his own. I pray his brain herniates and his heart stops beating and his family is relieved of this burden they truly don't want right now. Can you pray that God will do that for this family?

Inspired

2010-02-07T14:42:00.002-05:00

I just changed/updated my blog page and read a few people's posts and now I'm inspired to post another post. (I was going to try to squeeze the word "post" one more time but decided against it)
Life has been a bit crazy around here for me, this final semester of grad school is proving as the most difficult. On top of the 6 credits (which may not sound like a lot, it is for grad school on top of working and living...) the program I am in (MSU) has a comprehensive exam that my classmates and myself must pass in order to graduate in May. It covers the 4 core courses of the program and also will require me to design a nursing course, including writing objectives, creating a syllabus and I'm sure some lesson plans too. It's a lot. We were given a study guide and I have met two other classmates and we have studied some together. Thank God I took all my classes quite seriously over the years so much of this will be reviewing and re-establishing the pathways created years ago. It's still nerveracking. The exam is the 17th of March, about a month away. It's a 4 or 5 hour test, mostly short answer/essay, which I consider myself pretty good at. And I found out that my class is the final class taking the comprehensive test, bloody likely!
Classes are interesting, I'm student teaching at MSU in Lansing at Sparrow Hospital two days a week, through the first week of March. I have enjoyed the students in our clinical group and I'm learning a bit about the professor I plan on being both in the classroom and in the hospital setting. I'm currently job hunting, GRCC has a few adjunct prof openings that I'll send my resume over for as well as Ferris and I'm debating in my head whether I should send a resume to UDM (my alma mater). My co-workers keep asking what I plan on doing and while I don't plan on quitting bedside nursing, I know that right now I'm experiencing some role ambuiguity and confusion but that goes deeper than my education and I don't want to go too deeply into that on a public blog. In my mind, I would love to take an adjunct position at a local college and teach one classroom course and one clinical course, ideally that would start me out on a good foot. If I find that dream job, I plan on continuing in my current position at Saint's and staying part-time, two 12's a week (as long as I don't get too overwhelmed). The most important things to me are educating my students well and giving safe patient care, if my schedule impedes my abilities in either I will modify the one that is easiest to modify. It still doesn't feel real that I will have an MSN in 3 months! (P.S. graduation is May 7th and Joc and I are planning an open house celebration at our house on the 8th... we are thinking Yesterdog to cater!)
On the home front, Joc and I are attempting to begin a family... difficult when we're shooting blanks! (Ha! i love to throw that out for people and they get this look on their face, then get the joke) If we go the insemination route, I will carry our baby. But we are also looking into adoption, which is very difficult to acheive through a MI agency, so we've found one in Indiana. Although, same sex couples can't legally adopt in the state but please don't get me started on the discrimination laws in this country! We are also shopping for a lawyer to help us take the right steps. I follow a blog (Be gay about it) about a couple in Wisconsin who just got two babies and it's so exciting to read about. I can only hope that whichever way a child comes into our family we can provide a good, safe, happy and loving home for them.
As you can see, I had a spurt of writing umph hit me there but now I should continue on with my homework and studying. Thanks for reading.

Here I am

2010-02-01T14:16:00.002-05:00

I missed a month, on here that is, not in life... I was definitely present for the last month in life.

I've been thinking a lot about old friends lately. Why do we stay friends with some people and not others? I think back on life, and I remember many different people's influences in my life yet only a handful are still an active part of my life. You know that quote, "Some people come into our lives and leave foot prints on our hearts" that's not exactly the right words but the idea is that people come into our lives and leave us but what they leave behind is what we have to remember them. I'm not the best of friends, I am not good at returning phone calls in a timely manner. Maybe this is why I have more footprints on my heart... There is something to be said about re-connecting with an old friend. I enjoy the feeling of talking to them and learning about their lives and what has "come true" of their dreams.

My writing drive is on leave.
Life is sucking me dry lately.
Just got to let it be and find my way.

Holy Spaghetti Batman!

2009-12-08T10:13:00.002-05:00

Happy day.
Just a brief posting today, already December.
Working on completing class stuff, just one last journal submission due Friday and I'm home free for the rest of December! I can't wait to read a book not related to nursing education, not that I mind my books for school it's just nice to mix it up with a little bit of a plot here and there.
Heading to work for another couple hours of meetings, seriously it gets old being so involved. (c: Not really.
Tacky Christmas sweater party Saturday, my house, 7pm. Wear your tackiest sweater and bring a white elephant gift. We have some beer, munchies... should be fun. Let me know if you want to come and I'll get you my address. Bound to be a romping good time!
Some plans for the holidays, did some shopping over the weekend, mostly for myself. Opps!
That's about it y'all!
Hope your holidays are shaping up nicely.
Ho ho ho!

If heaven were a pie...

2009-11-27T19:11:00.002-05:00

November is winding down, it pains me to type this because I wish fall would stick around a little longer and mostly because I have two large papers/projects to turn in by the first couple weeks of December. Ugh.
I really don't have much going on right now, being part time and all (c: As Joc likes to tell people when they ask how my new schedule is treating me, "She has more time to watch TV" oooo I want to kick her butt every time she says that! Back in GR now after a nice Turkey Day meal and short couple days in Cadillac. Michelle came up, Lucas was hanging out while Jules and David work on their house, and it was just the thing I needed to remind myself just how thankful I am for all life has dealt me, well us as a family. And now I'm sitting at the table, working on one of the aforementioned project/papers and wishing it were another day and I could put aside the papers and curl up with the dogs and read one of the many books burning a hole on my shelf and calling my name. Soon... so soon.
Listening to some music as I work. I opened up a playlist that hasn't seen the light of day in a while and many memories are pushing forward. I tie a lot of meaning to lyrics and songs, I find that many of them are very applicable to life lived. Makes me melancholy to absorb the words and think of old times. I have many "old country" songs on my list, some Jim Reeves, Conway Twitty, Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline, etc. My dad loved country, listened to it a lot. He cried the night Conway Twitty died, real tears. I remember that night, I don't recall if Brian had died yet or not, I think so, but it was on the radio that Conway had died and I remember my dad with tears in his eyes and on his cheeks. I had not seen many tears from him. I remember that every Saturday night we would watched some TV show in the living room and at the same time in the kitchen there was a 1800 in the USA show on the radio. People called in to request songs (think Delilah or KC Kasum) and many of the songs I associate with my youth were played. Every time you walked into the kitchen there was that show and some song playing or a sappy story being told. Sigh. We used to have Billy Rae Cyrus' first tape of his Achie Breakie Heart in the car and we'd play it loud as Jules and my dad and I drove around the lake. I probably know most of those words still if I were to put it on.
I imagine my friends and family remembering me with songs someday when this life is done with me. Sometimes, a song can really say everything you can't or don't know how to. A good song can stop you and make you hit repeat to listen again.
Christmas is around the corner, hard to believe another year is so close to the end and a new one is set to begin. What's in store for me?
Love to all.

My teaching adventures

2009-11-16T12:20:00.003-05:00

I am a part time employee officially. It feels.... lazy. Especially when people keep asking me, "So, how many days are you working now?" and I have to respond, "2".
I completed my three official teaching sessions. I had a really good time too! In case you are interested, and even if you aren't, let me recap... Three weeks ago (it's a once a week, 3 hour class) I started off with a 35 minute PowerPoint presentation, then about an hour of concept mapping. I was naive, I thought the students would really be into the concept mapping but it took a bit longer than I could plan for and I did more of the interaction than I thought I'd have to. It continues to boggle my mind that these kids don't know a lot about nursing, assessments or how to put it all together. (They are only sophomores, and this is their first semester of hands-on nursing.) Because of my lecture and mapping, we had limited lab time. As I re-capped the lecture with my preceptor, we decided the next week we would spend much more time in lab and we would get a bit more interactive with the students. That week, I devised a quiz-like assignment that put them all in the lab at the start of class and we used washable markers and they drew important landmarks on each other. I mulled over lecture and ultimately decided to omit it from the class, instead I created my PowerPoint and simply printed it out for them. It was comprehensive so they really just needed to review it. We spent about 2 and a half hours in the lab, discussing assessments and practicing. I had a good time and their feedback told me they felt that they had learned a lot. The third class was a decent close to my time at the front of the room. They had an exam, which was a majority of the material I had presented so I'm anxious to see what their grades were. I had only about an hour and a half to present an accurate picture of a neuro assessment. I did lecture for about 10 minutes, looking back, I should have surpassed it again for the extra time in lab. We then spent the remaining time completing a neuro exam, doing some role playing (to apply the knowledge in a hospital situation where much of these skills they are learning will be applied) and discussing any questions they had. I gave them an evaluation following each class period, to give me a picture of their learning in each class and a larger, more formal evaluation of my teaching following the last class. They were overwhelmingly good, a few tips for next time were appreciated. I think they enjoyed my teaching style, I had fun with the three hours each week. I was always enthusiastic and probably pretty entertaining (a couple even told me I was). Like I said, I'm anxious to see how their exams turned out, that is a pretty large piece of the evaluation for a teacher.
Now, I have two large projects to complete, each about 8-10 pages a piece. And I have some residual grading to do from my weeks of lecture. A few things I learned: a lot of prep time goes into a three hour lecture, the more talking I do the bigger my headache is at the end of class (I need to hydrate during I think), the longer you wait after posing a question the more likely a brave soul will step forward to answer your question, using "real life" examples holds their attention better, and asking their opinion helps.
That's been my life lately. It's all new and exciting to me. And! my preceptor whispered to me during the beginning of the exam that she thinks I should teach the class next year and she would "put in a good word for me"! I have some good ideas to improve class and a few modifications I would love to see happen so the students have much more time for putting it together and using their brains. Only about 6 months till I'm a graduate of MSU with my MSNeD. May 7th here I come!

November begins...

2009-11-01T20:53:00.003-05:00

October ends quietly, November begins with a beautiful day.
Joc and I made the trip to Cadillac for Halloween to see Mr. Lucas head out as a cowboy for the big night. It was a typical Halloween night in Cadillac, so cold that you have to bundle up enough so no one can tell who/what you are. Thus the reason my sisters, brother and I were generally ghosts or witches (the hat could be worn and made the whole outfit!). I think Lucas had fun, he doesn't quite grasp the concept yet, so I figure next year he'll be wild and crazy into it and after the candy. This year, we did a large block loop then back to mom's house where us adults poured out his candy and proceeded to eat it. He didn't even notice and hardly likes candy! A perfect evening.
Back home today, Joc finished raking the leaves in the backyard, 10 bags total I believe! I got some reading done for class, then cleaned the house top to bottom. My fingers are prunney and my back sour from bending over. Apparently I should order my swifter in tall as well as my mop so I can stand upright when using them! Oy, who doesn't think of us tall people?!
Just a month and a half until class is finished for the break. I made the leap, put in my parttime notice. 2 more weeks as a fulltime RN then who knows? I have stopped fretting about it so much, I am just letting whatever happens, happen. When I am in my Spring semester, I'll send out some resumes, do some interviews and play it by ear. I have a pretty wide open future sitting in front of me, many options and many skills to put to use. The stress from school and the stress from my indecisions were giving me breakouts! Enough already!
Also, sending out my thoughts and prayers to the Janik family who has endured the loss of their son and brother, Tom. I am sorry, Teresa, that you and your family are among us who know the loss of a brother. You were blessed with Tom for 33 years, take each precious memory you have, write it down, keep it special. Speak of him often, remember him always and know that he is in a good place, with God. I pray that time heals your heart and you remember him always.

Learn to let it bend before it breaks...

2009-10-11T21:55:00.002-04:00

Man, it is cold these days! Joc has opened the fireplace and we've had nice, warm, toasty, popping fires nearly every evening this week. It reminds me again how grateful and happy I am to be working days now. We've even turned the heat on because the house is so chilled!
So, I've been considering going part time at work... school and student teaching has been overwhelming and busy for me and it's an option to drop down to two shifts a week. It is so tempting and I plan to talk to HR this week to see what my benefits, etc would be or not be. My boss told me the only difficulty would be getting me back to full time to which I replied, I'm not sure I'll ever need to go full time again. My graduation date is May 7, 2010 and I hope to teach once I graduate, I mean that's what I put all the work in for... right? So really, I'd be applying and sending resume's out this spring in hopes of a job for the next school year............ as freaky as it sounds to me, I could be in a classroom in a year! gulp. I could be "professor gable"... jeez, I'm going to have to work on a new title...
Meanwhile, in the present.... I am teaching my first lecture in two weeks... I desperately want to come up with something besides lecture and powerpoints to entertain the students... I'm thinking podcast or video or something.... any ideas??? I'm teaching assessment class, so it's pretty basic and non complicated....
Brandi Carlile's new CD came out last week, so I've been listenign to her on repeat since I bought it... it's another stellar disc... love her music! Check her out if you haven't before, www.brandicarlile.com or on iTunes, she has three full CDs out, I think my favorite will always be her first, self-titled CD just because I remember finding her and listening for hours on repeat and falling in love... it's so hard to let go of your first love, right? (c:
Off to bed, work tomorrow followed by homework!

Up early

2009-10-01T08:17:00.002-04:00

Asked for and received a VO this morning. (VO stands for voluntary off, meaning I call and say, 'if there are enough nurses scheduled and you don't need me, i'll stay home') I have a mound of homework to get through, reading, write ups, postings, and then work for my class on Friday where the prof wants me to present and demonstrate the Snellen chart...what the heck is that? I need to refer to the book to review what exactly I'll be presenting to the class! Jeez. (c:
Is the age of the blog dead? My mom sent me an article a month or so ago about the blog craze dying down. People are running out of shit to blog about. I'll partially agree to this. I mean, what the hell is so interesting in my life that you guys want to read about it? Nothing, I'll answer that for you! As for others who blog so their families far, far away can keep up with life, can see pictures and videos they otherwise would be subjected to at holidays and visits in the future. I seem to remember watching a lot of silent videos from my youth, and enjoying them but I can't say everyone felt the same. I also recall watching other people's videos and thinking, "can i fit a nap in here without snoring/drooling or being noticed?" My blog is pointless, but I follow a couple other blogs that are pretty interesting and funny.... so I don't want their blogging to stop...but understand why the entries are less and less frequent. As for my friends who blog, I like seeing the happs in life, i.e. Rachael- I love your pictures and getting updates from NYC, Amers I enjoy watching Kaylen grow up on the blog, etc. I just feel like mine is pointless.
Well there was my pity party of one for the time being. Maybe if I were creative/motivated or had more time, I'd take 365 days and go through a cookbook, blog about it, become famous and have a book and movie done... can you imagine? Too bad the idea is taken already... bummer.
Until next time... happy blogging!

Good bye summer

2009-09-18T09:38:00.003-04:00

Life is pretty crazy these days. I haven't been the greatest friend to my long distance friends, I owe 4 people a phone call. It's a little overwhelming really. My friend Rachel keeps calling me from Iraq to talk but I seem to miss all her calls and I feel badly because I can't just call her back, ya know?
Fridays are student teaching days, so when I'm scheduled to work it gets a bit hairy. I have a co-worker who has volunteered to cover my four hours I need to be in the classroom. So, I start my day, leave at 1230 to teach, then I rush back to work to finish my shift. It usually is crazy because of the charting I have to get done and coming back in for a quick end to the shift. The first half of the semester is gonna be crazy and I'm wondering how I'll approach the second half.
The student teaching is fun, so far I've only had the opportunity to attend one class but today is my second day. It's not like I'm doing the teaching, I usually observe and help with the lab portion. But I really enjoy teaching the kids, it's fun.
I'm also taking 5 credits this semester, which takes a little getting used to again. The last year and a half of school I've only had one class and it's different making time for two instead of one class.
Anyway, I need to get moving, get ready for class today and post something for class by tonight.
Excited for fall to arrive, it was a cooler morning today, I actually could see my breath when I was running.

Propofol and other crazy things

2009-09-01T08:13:00.002-04:00

Can I tell you how much we use Propofol at work? Can I tell you that most, if not all, ICU RNs love this drug because of its ability to sedate a patient so quickly yet when turned off allows them to awaken in a short time span. The small but extremely important detail is that a patient should be intubated or being prepared for intubation or under direct and constant supervision of a medical team when using and infusing propofol. I used propofol at work on Sunday all weekend in fact. It's still wierd to me to see it in the news surrounding Michael Jackson and his death. You know what Michael was missing when his doctor gave him that injection? A nurse and a respiratory therapist, hello? One of the huge effects of propofol is respiratory depression, hello?! Any way, enough about Michael.
September 1st is upon us. Phew. I think I'm getting motion sickness from the speed of this year! It looks like the last time I posted was in the middle of July, I could swear that was yesterday or at least the day before...
School starts tomorrow, I'm student teaching this semester. Woohoo! With a prof from my undergrad days, we had our first class last Friday and it was a lot of fun. I really need to work on my language, don't worry, I didn't swear but "sucks" came out of my mouth at least 3 times (that I can remember). opps. Is that still bad form? gulp, this might be more challanging than I thought it was going to be... I'll keep you posted. I thought I was going to be rediculously nervous and have trouble getting my point accross but I really got into it and Sister Linda (with whom I'm learning from) was very laid back about it all. We meet weekly, Fridays from 1-4 and it's a health assessment class. These kids (and I do mean kids) are young! For my nursing friends who still read my blog (thanks), this is the first semester of them being together. I said to them, at some point in class, that they would be together for the next three years whether they like it or not. I wanted to say, by the end of your degree you'll love everyone you've gone through it with but want to vomit from needing a new environment. Graduation comes at almost the exact right point. Nursing school is tough, we'll see if I make that easier or harder! hee hee... it is quite different being at the front of the room, remembering what it was like to sit behind the desks. sigh....
Well, I turned down $35,000. I'll let you re-read that sentence and please note that yes, I meant $35,000 not 3500.
If you recall (which you don't have to) my July posting, I was awaiting a decision from the state. Well, I received it. It was a scholarship that my advisor at MSU asked if I had an interest in back in July and had the monies gone through and the contract been mailed to me, I would have signed that thing faster than you can sneeze. But then they delayed, and delayed again. And while they were delaying I got to thinking about what I wanted to do with myself post masters. These monies would require (contract remember) that I teach full time in a 4 year or 2 year university setting in MI for no less than 5 years. Now take a minute and realize why I would sign that contract immediately back in July. Because $35000 would take care of the loans I've taken out in the last two years plus cover most of the remaining loans from undergrad. It would have been awesome, still would be. But then reality slowly creeped into my mind, "do I really want to jump into full time teaching?" "what if I don't like it?" "am I done with bedside nursing full time?" "do I want to get my PhD already?" "I feel like I'm in my prime at the bedside, considered a profficient RN that people come to with their questions am I really ready to be done with this?" And the thoughts persisted. It was really difficult when the actual contract came in the mail on Friday and I saw that the $35000 was in a living stipend while there was some $17,000 for tuition that wasn't included in the $35000. Making the grand total much to high to even comprehend turning down! Man, even thinking about it now, again, makes me wonder if I did the right thing but I know, in my heart I did. Signing a 5 year contract too is not a short time, it sounds like a short time but then I think, I haven't been an RN for 5 years yet... So, I turned it down. And I feel good about my decision, I think. (c:
Reeds Lake Tri September 12th, come one, come all! I'm off to have a long bike, thanks for reading!

Thin

2009-07-17T09:35:00.003-04:00

Feeling spread a bit thin lately, forgetting important things in life and allowing unimportant things to become forefront. It's supposed to be summer, right? I'm off school for another month (only) and yet I feel like I haven't accomplished anything this summer. Sigh! Life is tough (c:

Weather is cool around here, and when I say "cool" I mean 70s with minimal humidity. It's actually quite nice to sit around and not sweat while breathing but it'd also be great to have a little of that so the winter feels good when it arrives too soon. I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong, it just feels like spring still and maybe that's why I'm feeling laze faire about things.

I've been offered a pretty sweet opportunity from MSU and the state, a significant amount of money to finish school and teach in the state of MI. I've applied, now the state is "working on it" and I should hear by August 5th, but don't hold your breath because I was supposed to hear the first time by June 28th, then it turned into July 14th and now August 5th... I haven't said it to many people, for fear it won't come through and I'll be footing the bill for my last two semesters of grad school, but it feels more real and it sounds like as soon as the state figures their stuff out, I'll have a check in my mailbox burning a hole in my pocket. As nice as this money is, it also brings a tough decision for me, one I thought I was completely ready to make but now am not so sure. I suppose, as always, life will work itself out for me and Joc and what I'm "supposed" to do will fall right into my lap (okay, maybe I'll have to work just a little for it, but you get what I mean). I'm attempting to not focus on it too much, until I get the official word and know for a certainty the money is in the checking account and the bills are paid. But that's hard too. I'm not complaining, just talking it out. I might be a little vague here, but I don't want to divulge too much too early so there is a reason for my aloofness.

First triathlon of the season is tomorrow! Tri del sol kicks off with the first heat of swimmers at 8 a.m.(that'll be jennifer and I!!) My nerves are definitely setting in (which is good, the adrenaline helps), I'm pretty excited. So, no big workouts today, maybe a light bike this evening or an easy swim... then a 1/2 mile swim, 18 mile bike and 4.5 mile run on Saturday morning!!! Think of Jennifer and I tomorrow or come out to spectate in Middleville at Camp Manitou (YMCA) we'd love to hear the cheers!!

Girls just want to have fun

2009-07-02T20:23:00.003-04:00

Happy 4th of July. Tonight (the 2nd of July), I'm sitting in the peaceful (except for my damn neighbors shooting off M80s) evening air, listening to some newly downloaded tunes and thinking about life. This year is already half way over, do you guys realize that? How can it all go so fast?
I was at my grandparent's house the last couple days and I see how they have aged, gracefully and beautifully, but definitely aged. I hear them refer to their own deaths and it hit me that that can't be that far off. They are both in their upper 80s (respectfully) and no one lives forever.
Some pedestrian died this morning crossing the street, a 40 year old woman self-medicated with Tylenol for pain and killed her liver which killed her, a 50 year old man road his bike to the ER with crushing chest pain and proceeded to die... I'm sure the list could go on. Constant reminders of life's preciousness and the thought that not one of us knows that we will live to see tomorrow. Some idiot is bound to blow his/her hand off this holiday weekend setting off fireworks (at this moment, I'm secretly hoping it's my neighbor and his M80s!!), or be in a boating accident. People will say it was "unexpected" and tragic.
I didn't start this entry to write about death, I've just been lead this way. I hate being asked to plan for the next 5 years. What if somethign happens that requires I change the plans before then? What then? Man, as much as I like to know what's coming I still prefer to be in the dark just a bit ya know?
I saw My Sister's Keeper last week, read the book awhile ago and now finished it off with the movie. A tearjerker, no question about that, but a changed ending from the book which sort of made the book so tragic and sweet and unexpectedly touching. One sister, who couldn't survive without her sister, the other who has the role of keeping her sister alive... tragic. (if you read the book, you'd understand that last fragmented thought)
Signing off now, I'm just a bit jumbled tonight. Dreaming of heaven and what's next in life.
Happy 4th of July! Enjoy your summers.

A day in the life

2009-06-07T19:54:00.003-04:00

It's finally here, my last night shift! I have been waiting for this for months, literally. I left Saint Mary's one year ago this month, headed west for a new adventure and I returned a little bit different than I left.
It's a little bit of a sweet surrender to days, I have had a really good time on nights. My co-workers are a lot of fun to be around, we laugh a lot, are unprofessional at times and have a good cohesiveness. To leave them is the harder part. The actual night shift, the difficulty staying awake when every morsel of your brain is telling you to sleep, the feeling of never being rested until the night before you go back to work, the difficulty sleeping through a beautiful day are gone. I don't know if it's set in yet, my first shift is Monday, I have five days off to prepare. It shouldn't take much.
I am ready, so very ready.

NOLA Pics

2009-05-17T17:41:00.004-04:00

Joc and her crawfish experience... it was a large plate, a lot of work and a little fish in return...
Bourbon street, Friday night... I wish this had volume because people are yelling, clubs have stereos on, jazz bands are playing in other bars, bouncers are trying to get people into bars, crazy, just crazy
Having a beer at the only NOLA brewery... I found a coupon for one free entree, yeah to saving $24!!
Laffette's (spelling is wrong) bar, was an old blacksmith shop where a couple pirates lived and worked, it was also part of the haunting tour... somebody's ghost lives here...oooohhhh!
There are a lot of famous people who live in NOLA, Nicholas Cage has a couple houses, of course everyone knows Brad and Angelina have a house, John Goodman has one, the Manning family lives there, and this house, it may be familiar if you saw "Benjamin Button" it was the house he grew up in... This is in the Garden District- most of the houses look like this, big, old, beautiful, historical, awesome. Many movies are shot in New Orleans, many are shooting now... a couple houses along our tour were pointed out as movie sites...
Just a street in the garden district, pretty very pretty there
One of the many above ground cemetery... it's a cool process for burying the dead I can explain it to you sometime... it's like recycling the dead
Cafe de Monde is pretty infamous, powder sugar donuts and coffee, it was good, if you can see the powder sugar on the ground next to me... they are coated in the sugar just coated. They were tasty!
Just a street in NOLA, it was quite beautiful there
In front of Cafe de Monde- our first full day in New Orleans
Patty O'Brien's is famous for their hurricanes, we made it in, had a couple drinks and stumbled out... they pack a punch! (c:
A picture on our walking tour of the French Quarter- I was the tour guide, very informative! (c:
Cafe du Monde (we only went once...these pics are all from that trip)
This is a haunted mansion in the French Quarter- a lady was tourturing and killing slaves... it's a freaky story...
The muffelatta- a big round sandwich, meat, cheese, olive salad, drenched in olive oil... an experience, very filling and if you don't like olives it might not be a favorite... New Orleans tradition.

NOLA

2009-05-17T17:23:00.002-04:00

Let me translate that, since it took Joc and I a few days (and Joc even longer as I had to explain it to her straight up). NOLA= New Orleans, LA (get it? NOLA...) Creative, we thought!
Joc has bid me farewell and I am now comfortably settled in my conference hotel room and taking a day off, #1 because I have to prepare what sessions I'm attending for tomorrow's conference, #2 because it's raining pretty steady eddy and my raincoat sucks and #3 because the edema in my feet has finally decreased and I no longer look like a 9 month pregnant woman with cankles! I'm revelling in my "skinny" ankles again. Which brings me to my thoughts on the south... when they ask, where ya'll from? and you say, Michigan one of the first questions they ask is, "so you think it's hot, huh?" like we live in the artic... like we never get above a cold rain or light snow? I'll give them one thing, it is hot and muggy here and from what locals have said, it gets worse in the next couple months. I'm glad I won't be here for that experience, I really wouldn't want to see my cankles at that point! (c:
NOLA has been fun, we saw much of the city, did three tours of the place, learned quite a bit about the history (and it has a rich history!), road the streetcars (not trolley's) and walked a lot. We found a couple bars, not on Bourbon st, that we really enjoyed and shopped a bit. We ate local cuisine, Joc finally had crawfish last night which is a big local eatery... think larger than shrimp but smaller than lobster... couldn't tell you what they taste like I didn't have the guts to try them. We even had muffelattas (which are huge sandwiches with an olice salad topping... not big olive fans but they weren't too bad actually). We walked down Bourbon St, experienced it on a Friday night and then promptly left... funny how when you do that much walking and sightseeing getting drunk and being obnoxious just aren't a priority. Sort of like Ireland, you want to stay out and get pissed with the locals, but you've done and seen so much that your bed sounds much more appealing. That was us on Bourbon st, we decided if we had come down with the full intention of getting drunk and staying out all night then Bourbon street would have been more appealing. Loud and crazy are two words I would use.
I'm going to post pictures from our trip, I'll do it in a seperate posting, just so I can be more controlled on the captions and organization. Hope you enjoy the pics and my quick write up, now I'm here for learnin' from Monday-Thursday when I head north, back to the "cold" as these southerners think!
Funny note: I was wandering in the huge conference center trying to find the registration for my conference and I found a huge sign that said, "REGISTRATION" so I go in line but was confused when it said something about a gold card... I asked the chick behind me who was like, "honey you need to ask someone... it's a vendor card, you get it from the state" I was like, I must be in the wrong place..sure enough, that was a jewelery convention! OMG was I in the wrong place! HA! I heard her whisper to her friend as I was leaving that I must be lost and she hopes I can find my place... interesting, very interesting...

Gotta pee!

2009-05-12T23:38:00.002-04:00

I don't know why I never thought of this before, but I can totally blog at work! OMG, I cannot believe I havent' done this before. (c:
Working my last night of a four night stretch, I have been really tired the last three and tonight I'm feeling pretty good and it's already 1130 so I'm almost half way done. It's been pretty busy, I've been the IV queen tonight, already started 3 on a couple different floors. I really enjoy starting IVs, the calls to start them are a bit annoying because the nurses always start by saying, "are you busy?" in this really cutsy voice and I just know that that is why they are calling. I told one nurse to not sugarcoat it, just ask me straight up and I'll tell you if I want to or not, or if I can or not! My biggest complaint isn't that I don't have the time or desire, remember I like IV starts and if I'm busy and it's not an emergency I tell them I don't have the time. But my biggest complaint is that often, I find at least one bulging vessel or a couple different options.... which tells me that they either didn't take the time to sit down and actually look for all the possible options or they never turned on the lights or they told me they did try and actually didn't. That's my biggest complaint. I'm no expert, hell I've only been a nurse for 4 years... I just take the time to sit down and look.
AND!!!! 2 day shifts are posted and one of them better be mine! I emailed my boss, and I'm almost 100% certain I have one of them, starting the third week of June, almost there, almost there. I think I can, I think I can...
Leaving for New Orleans tomorrow, for a week and a half. I'm pretty excited to get out of MI for a bit, it's been since Colorado that I've been out of here and it'll feel good to board that plane tomorrow. Joc is coming for the first four days, we'll do the tourist thing then I have a nursing conference to attend. That's the real reason I'm headed South, it is Monday through Thursday and I'll be home in time for Memorial Day and my friend Kelly's trip back to MI. (She went to nursing school with me and worked at Saints until she left to travel last September) We are all going out Friday night to see her, looking forward to it really.
I really do have to pee, I didn't just title the entry that way, I seriously do but there's an environmental services guy cleaning and he wears WAY too much cologne and it is making me nauseous so I'm thinking I'm going to be walking down the hall to another facility.
Lovely, well I'll post some pics when we get back or maybe while I'm there... I'm not going with anyone to the conference so I'll have some nights that I'm not too busy.
Thanks for reading,
Jenn

Monday

2009-05-11T06:48:00.002-04:00

It's quite amazing the difference at the hospital from weekend to weekday. There's a quiet on the weekends that seaps away around 6am Monday morning, not to be felt again until Friday night around 7pm. The buzz that ignites with the doctors rounding, the med students looking at charts, day shift arriving and night shift holding onto the last hour of their quiet night. I prefer the buzz, I look forward to that energy to revive me for that last hour of wakefulness that some nights I just don't possess.
So starts another week at the hospital, but this place is not a Monday through Friday gig, we don't hold the hours of 8-5. Most days I'm glad for the break a three day work week provides, other times I wish for shorted shifts. Some shifts, 12 hours feels like one hour and other 12 hour shifts feel like 24 hours, just depends on the patients. Tonight was a mixed bag.
I'll leave you with those thoughts.

Life update

2009-05-07T07:58:00.003-04:00

What's the point of blogging anymore with Facebook? I feel like my life is no longer as exciting as when I was doing the travel thing so to blog about it is uninteresting. That's why I don't blog much anymore, there's not much to blog about!
This is a picture of me and a couple friends, Jody and Nicole, at Tulip Festival in Holland, MI. We decided to venture out and see what it's all about since none of us had even attended. Let me say that I believe that it's a big deal to people who have been involved with it since they were kids and are now passing on the tradition to their kids. It wasn't too exciting to us four, liberal, non-Dutch gay Catholics! (c: There was a dancing thing in the street and these girls (all girls) were dressed up in Dutch outfits and doing a Dutch dance but that was about it. We spent the majority of our time grabbing a bite to eat and a cider at New Holland Brewery, now that was worth it! Ha!
Any way, I'm about to take my final exam for my class. I'm off for the summer so I'm looking forward to that, just being free of required readings and postings and writing for a couple months. I start clinicals in August, I will be student teaching in a Nursing program! This I am looking forward to. And I will be teaching at my alma mater, Aquinas/UDM with a professor I had back in the day (4.5 years ago) Sister Linda. I'm a bit excited to get into a classroom and see what it's all about from the front of the class, I definitely know what it's like to sit behind a desk and sleep through lectures (c:
In other news, Joc and I have pretty much completed a landscaping project that was pretty HUGE by our standards. Last weekend we had 6 yards of river rock delivered (yes 6 yards and if you don't know how much that is, it's A LOT), see in the backyard we had a "flower bed, scrubbery area" that Joc cut out all the trees and dug up all the day lillies a year or so ago. She spread mulch and planted five of those decorative grass thingys but the rains washed away much of the mulch and it was constantly muddy and looking bad so she decided that river rock would look nice there. So we carried all 6 yards of river rock back there, spread it out and it looks great. That wasn't the end of the project, we also made a ring around a tree in the back, put rocks around that and the biggest thing we did was lay sod in the back. 3 yards of top soil, spread out over the clay we had for dirt, topped off by 3 pallets of sod now cover our yard. It looks fabulous, if I do say so myself. I'm watering like a mad man or woman, it took me about 3 hours yesterday to water the whole yard and it rained last night, so I can do it all again in the evening. Have to keep it pretty wet in the first week or so, to allow germination or whatever it is. Here's hoping it takes!!! We took before and after pictures so I'll upload them and post them soon, so you can get an idea of the magnitude of work it was. My body was so soar the day after, it's getting better though.
I started off saying there was nothing to blog about and here I am rambling. Off to take my exam, wish me luck!!

Obsessed

2009-04-08T14:52:00.002-04:00

Joc calls it obsessed, I like to think of it as a strong affinity... to Twilight. I know what many of you might be thinking (or none of you...whatever!), Twilight, how pathetic... yadda yadda yadda... but I enjoyed reading all four books and I've embraced the first movie even if it's not the best adaptation of the book but whatever. I gave in and bought the movie and yes, I've watched it more than a handful of times in the last week, like I said, obsession/affinity for... debateable really (c: Anyway, I believe I keep watching the movie because I lent the books to a co-worker and I really want to re-read them but can't. So instead, I watch the movie over and over because it's all I have right now.
Well, in my obsession I discovered a new musical talent and it happens to be "Edward", Rob Pattinson. There are two of his songs in the movie and because the director kept talking about how great a musician he is, I googled his music and found about 6 songs that he performed in various bars in London (he's a Brit). He hasn't done any recording (other than the two songs in Twilight), isn't planning on recordign more, isn't performing at the moment and my disappointment lies in the fact that he probably won't ever be able to perform in public again like he did before Twilight because of his huge popularity. Which means I might never get to buy an album of his or get to fully appreciate his sound in public. I've bookmarked this website and have truley been moved by his music. He has an amazing voice and lyrics that speak to you, I have a weakness for talented musicians that aren't exactly "mainstream". So, I'll post the link and you can check it out if you like.
I'm thinking my obsession will subside in a week or two, but once I get my books back I plan to read them again and then I'll feel better. Then I can find a new obsession (c:
Crazy, I know believe me, I know.
http://www.robert-pattinson.co.uk/music/

Deep thoughts

2009-03-29T21:42:00.003-04:00

It's Sunday night, I have no real reason to post anything but feel it's been awhile since my last posting. I find it ironic that it is cold, wet and snowy tonight as it was when I last posted... funny how life works, but there have been sunny days between these snowy ones and time seems to have passed as it always does.
I thought I'd have a sentimental, somewhat sad, thoughtful post today, for no reason other than it's how I feel right now. When I was in high school I used to write a lot, and when I say a lot, I mean it. I have journals that I filled with my teenage angst, frustrations, depression, anger, fear, and sadness. There was a lot of sadness back then, life wasn't exactly easy but I still found little joys threaded into my existence. It's a little crazy to me now, to look back and read some of my journal entries. I was in a dark place for many of them, a place I haven't been for a very long time, which I'm grateful for but there are odd times throughout my days that I miss the darkness. There was a familiarity about it, a warm inside it that became a safe place. It's hard to explain, and I'm not saying I'd go back but there are times that I think, "I used to be complicated, I'm not complicated anymore". It was exhausting then, as life is not anymore. Life is easier, less heavy. Remember, I told you this was going to be a thoughtful posting, stick with me or bail now... whatever you choose, I'm okay with it. (c:
I had the opportunity to revisit a CD that I used to be drawn to and in finding this CD I encountered others from my past. CDs that defined my emotional well being at the time that I listened to them, CDs I haven't listened to in years, they've grown dusty and forgotten. As I listened to this CD, Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos, I was taken back. I remembered knowing every single lyric back then and now, struggled to remember the chorus to some of the songs. Forgotten pathways from youth, cobwebs strewn about, re-tracing the words.
Life is funny that way, it carries on. If there's one thing you learn from death is that life is continuous. No matter who it is, or how monumental the loss, life just keeps on. Some days that is the hardest part of loss.
The beginning of every year is difficult for me, this year marks the 15th year my brother has been dead, and the 13th year my dad has been gone. My brother, Brian, was 15 when he died. It wasn't until the anniversary that I realized this, that he has been dead the exact amount of years he lived. What does this mean, really? To me, it's frightening, I've already "outlived" him but now, life has evolved to a point that for every year that passes means he's been dead longer than he lived. This is extremely sad to me, and difficult to process. I think about it often, I try to remember him better this year than the last 14, but as I said before, life goes on.
A patient died recently that maybe shouldn't have died, this is always difficult for me. There were many factors contributing to her death but my interactions could have affected the outcome. It's hard not to relive every minute leading up to her demise but I have, repeatedly. I've begun to let it go, I'm working through it, dealing with it and moving on, hoping that the next patient I encounter with the same signs and symptoms I can take that experience and learn from it. I suppose I just wish it had not been at the cost of her life. Again, life moves on.
So I'll end this posting, let it soak in and let time pass and see what's up for my life next.
Until next time...

Is it really snowing???!!!

2009-03-11T10:51:00.002-04:00

Seriously, now?! It's just too damn depressing is what I say! I'm sick of cold, wet and windy winter! It's time to be done and it's time to be warm and sunny again, just for a little while.
I walked out of work the other morning and it was raining and cold, I groaned appropriately and a co-worker said, "at least it's not snow!" and I said, "I'm just ready to gripe about how hot it is..." Cuz I will, summer will come and it'll be hot and sunny and I'll have sweat dripping down my back and under my boobs and I'll be complaining and wishing it was just a few degrees cooler. I mean, seriously, I'm never content I know this. Sigh. Life is hard (c:
Nothing going on around these parts, except the weather, new unit is going ok. Lots of growing pains, kinks to work through and lessons to learn.
So long for now!

Mass exodus

2009-02-26T17:20:00.002-05:00

The move is complete, we occupy a new unit and last night I walked through the old unit and it was eerie. As I talked to a fellow employee they compared what remains as a "mass exodus", nurse assignments remain on the marker boards, there are drink cups left behind, drawers are opened (from cleaning out) and it truly did appear that there was a disaster, that everyone and everything that could be grabbed and taken were and everyone ran. The silence is awkward and I looked in every room just making sure no one got left behind. Eerie.
On another dark note, today is the one year anniversary of the death of a co-worker, most of you who still read my blog did not know her. It was one of the hardest shifts of my career, probably will always be one of the hardest. I don't write this for pity or condolences, I did not know her as well as I would have liked, but to arrive at her bedside when her heart stopped and to have the realization that she was not going to survive was a very hard place to be. I have seen many deaths, participated in many codes in my short career, but this code will always occupy my mind and heart. It took me a long time to get passed the day, and I look back today with remembrance of the shift. I remember her today...

New Fridge Day!

2009-01-30T13:50:00.002-05:00

We get our new refrigerator today! I'm very excited, let me tell you. Last night I cleaned all the magnets off the old one and it looks so empty and clean! I keep wanting to put the magnets back on because it looks lonely, sniff sniff. I can't wait for the new one, although I am a bit concerned that it won't fit through our doors.... I measured the back door and it's 27 1/2'' wide, the new fridge is 31'' wide. Hmmmmmm.... guess that's why I'm paying someone else to deliver it and haul away this piece. I figure they can always take off the fridge doors to buy a couple inches, right? Here's hoping.
Not much else happening these days, Joc bought a new car (I should say we since I'll be paying the bill too but she drives it.) A Ford Escape (say it like Dory does in Finding Nemo, it's funner) and traded in her lemon of a car. It's nice and fun to tool around in. The color is copper technically but I think of some pukey red when I hear copper so we call it burnt orange, that better qualifies it. I'm a little jealous of the new car thing but my car is perfectly fine so I won't be trading it in any time soon. Bummer.
You know, I wrote a bit ago about being excited for my new class and now that I'm in week 3, yeah, not so excited anymore! Jeez. The honeymoon phase is over, now I have to do some serious reading. Wish me luck, off I go.

Christmas 08... or MLK jr day...

2009-01-20T10:35:00.004-05:00

Well, the Gable girls (plus David) finally managed to find a weekend to get together to celebrate our Christmas exchange. It was also conveniently, MLK jr. weekend... so that worked for our celebration too. Nothing overly celebratory but it was nice to be all together again.
We did go check out a group of women singers called Earthworks women and it was actually pleasantly surprising. I enjoyed it very much, some exceptional singers, who needs American Idol?
I attached some pics that I snapped, hope you enjoy! You can also check me out on Facebook for other pics (i'm relatively new on there so look me up!)
Stay warm out there!
Happy Inauguration Day!!

New Class!

2009-01-12T10:02:00.002-05:00

I'm a nerd, I know this and that's why it is okay. I admit to enjoying school, sure I roll my eyes appropriately when stressed by it and talk poorly about it when it enrages me, but I like it. I like the regularity of it, the expectations of it and really, the busy work it creates for me. It guarantees me work throughout the week. Today, is my first day of the Spring semester and my class is gonna be a good one, Curriculum design. I know, I lost most if not all of you at "I enjoy school" but this is going to be a great class, I feel it! It's totally relevant to what I want to be when I grow up and how I want to teach. I'm so anxious, I might even start the reading today even though it's not due to start until Wednesday evening.
Didn't I say I was a nerd, now I've confirmed it for everyone who shook their heads no. I am and it's okay. Now, I have to go read... leave me alone! (c: hee hee

Life 102

2009-01-05T23:45:00.002-05:00

Greetings and Happy New Year!
Just uploaded a few shots from the last few weeks of life at 225 Baynton, nothing much happening these days.
Had dinner with my old (not in age but in length of time as friends) friend Sara, who had a good time playing Tyra Banks with my camera and in front of the camera...believe me I only uploaded two here but there are plenty more in my computer!
And then the ever adorable, totally cute and lovable nephew of mine, Lucas. Rockin' out on the drums! Love him!
Hope all are well!

Gator Alley

2008-12-30T15:48:00.002-05:00

Well, we made it there and back! I know you were all terribly concerned. No delays, no issues getting out of Grand Rapids or Detroit airports and no delays coming home. Florida was wonderful and warm and just plain ol' fab. We had temps in the 80s every day we were there, we laid by the pool, swam in the pool, went to the Gulf (too cold to swim in but some people were swimming), ate lots of good food, hung out with Joc's fam and went down gator road. I took other photos but they aren't nearly as cool as the gators! We must have seen about 100 of em just lounging around, soaking up the sun or floating down the "river". It was neat.
It didn't feel like Christmas too much, what with the warm weather and no snow, but I'm not complaining. It was a blast. Makes me wonder why we all don't move south for the winter? I even managed to get a slight tan! Swell, just swell!
Happy New Year!

Dear Santa, No more snow!!

2008-12-23T17:25:00.001-05:00

It seems it has been snowing since Friday. Ugh.
We fly out to Florida tomorrow at 630 am, it better not be canceled!!
Happy and safe holidays to all! Stay warm and have a great Christmas.

Where's that snowblower when I need it!

2008-12-19T13:40:00.003-05:00

Is it too late to buy a snowblower???!!! We got about a foot of snow over night and throughout this morning...so I, being the good housewife, set out to shovel the drive. What a mistake! It took me 3 hours to shovel half the driveway and I had to stop to eat and warm up. I was miserable, my back is killing me and I am so not in the mood to go finish off the job. UGH! Joc and I have been talking about buying a new fridge, today I say, F it! I'd rather have a snowblower, although at this point it wouldn't do much to help. Sigh!
Who misses living in MI again?
More snow next week, can't wait! (c:

And the no's have it

2008-12-16T20:03:00.003-05:00

Well, I haven't gotten the official word yet but it has been over a week since my interview and no calls. Soooo, I'm assuming it's a no. I called the HR gal at GRCC today and left a message but I'm pretty sure they would have called by now if they wanted me. Alas, life goes on for me. Politics and emotions are running high at work these days leading up to our impending move to a new building and I'm feeling a bit depressed about it all. I'm truly beginning to dislike my place of work more and more, all the rumors running amuke and things we hear about assignments and changes being made by "leadership". Woes about budgets and staffing etc, it's unbelievable. I'm about to my breaking point, about. I'd like to say I have a day position to start in the next couple months but you can't get anyone nailed down on anything around there and if we're talking seniority I'm 4th on the list...yup, 4th. Ask me if I regret leaving to travel now...UGH! Can I just say I'm glad I have a back up plan (my masters) to fall back on in the near future if this doesn't work out well for me.
If I hear differently from GRCC I will definitely post it here but if not, you can assume with me that I'll have to hold out for the next open position that might open a crack in the door that my size 12 will fit into. Keep your ears peeled and eyes open for me!
Caption for picture: Me and my nephew Lucas when he was just a newborn babe! I've been browsing my old photos recently. Hard to believe that little sleepy guy is the same one you can't keep in one place now! Love him, love it!

Picture of the Day

2008-12-11T08:05:00.004-05:00

An old shot of me in the GAP in Chicago, I'm guessing from the date it was three years ago.
Happy Thursday all!

Lady in waiting

2008-12-09T17:17:00.002-05:00

Had my interview with GRCC Monday, now I wait to see if they like me... It feels like forever but they are supposed to be deciding by the end of the week. Sighhhhh.
I'll let you know when I hear.

Where's my soapbox...ahh, here it is!

2008-12-05T09:54:00.003-05:00

Why do we waste our time on Grey's Anatomy? Why is Izzie sleeping with a dead person, still, shouldn't that have ended after one episode, or maybe two? Why does she think the sex is so great? He's dead, there's no one there so who in God's name is she having such great sex with? I know it isn't herself, I mean come on, no one is that good at masturbating. What's with that? It's no longer a good plot line, it's simply creepy if you ask me. Why do they always, always, always have to have sex with each other, none of them can have a relationship outside of their circle? Why can't they include nurses, who says nurses couldn't produce a good storyline other than sex with a doctor? Why can't any of them admit they are horrible residents who don't teach their interns shit which is why they resorted to surgery on one another? Do you realize that these interns have less responsibility than a med student in real life? That's f-ed up. The whole show is just f-ed, it's all about a good storyline and you know what, it creates such falsehoods. Do you realize the save rate on these medical shows is nearly 100%, do you know in reality I'd say as many people die that are saved on the show. So if in one show of Grey's, three patients are saved and one dies in real life it would be the opposite: one person would live and three would die. Not to mention the person who lived might have brain damage or be in the ICU for a long time and recover slowly.
I had a patient the other night who arrested at home, his heart stopped, despite 4 hours of CPR and medical intervention he died. Before he died, I was in the room and his son was at his bedside and do you know what he said, "on TV, they always look like this and then they get better, I think if we wait he'll get better." WHAT, on TV, this is reality man???!!! And he believed it, I could tell. And he was an adult, he wasn't a teenager or even 21 no he was older than me. I know about coping mechanisms and unrealistic expectations but I really do think TV shows create these unrealistic scenarios and non-medical people truly believe they are real. I want a disclaimer, maybe that would help. I want something at the beginning and end of the shows that says, "The stories presented here are by no means realistic or based on true events, these are fabrications that are dramatized for entertainment purposes." The sad thing is, it still wouldn't matter.
Jeez. And! I really don't know why I keep watching it, I think it might be because I'm waiting for them to redeem themselves somehow, medically. I'm hoping that one day, some Thursday night, they will show a semi-real scenario that I can say, "hmm, that's almost realistic". It infuriates me that I hold out for that, I waste these hours of my week, waiting for Hollywood to redeem itself. Dream on. I just can't quit you Grey's!

Okay, I'm stepping down from my soapbox now.

Greetings and Salutations

2008-11-30T15:36:00.003-05:00

Have I ever told you guys that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday? Well, it is and not because of the turkey, although that doesn't hurt, it's the day itself. Gathering with family and/or friends and cooking together, laughing, drinking and then eating. There's no pressure to buy and give gifts, just being pleased with seeing everyone and remembering how dog-gone blessed I have been in my life. So, this is my shout out and my thanks and giving for this time of year. I truly am lucky to have such loving and caring people surrounding me every day, especially on my favorite holiday.
And even though it's late, Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night!

The benefit to benefits?

2008-11-25T16:52:00.002-05:00

So, I've been insurance free for a couple months now and upon re-hire at Saints was told I'm not eligible for benefits until 30 days post hire. Well, long story short, 30 days passed, no news on my benefit options so I called HR and was told basically they were doing me a favor in allowing me to sign up through them. Then in browsing my options today I find it written that because I'm a re=hire I should have been eligible for benefits immediately upon hire! I could scream at that OTE/HR lady!!!! Not to mention, she works 8a-2p...please, how is that a "normal" day? And she has the nerve to call me today while I'm sleeping and leave the message that says, "if I don't hear from you today or tomorrow, you won't be able to sign up". Bite me!
Oh, I was hot...still am I guess. Just pisses me off, get your shit together, that's all I ask!
Thanks for letting me vent.

Dirty Carpet Anxiety

2008-11-24T13:20:00.003-05:00

Well, it's finally snowing in Grand Rapids. The heavy, wants-to-be-rain snow that is perfect for snowballs and snowmen. I went for a nice run in the snow and felt really great, had my headphones on and the music blaring. It was great.
Not much happening for us around the holidays. We are headed to Cadillac for my ma's dinner. To Florida for Christmas with Joc's mom's family. Just trying to work, finish my class and live a little.
The house should be re-sided by next week, I'll post some pictures when it's all done.
Happy Tday to all!
Jenn

I wanna be a rock star

2008-11-10T19:09:00.002-05:00

If I had life to live over again, what would I be?
Now, wait. I know you are asking yourself (or not), "Jenn, you really aren't that old you can still be anything you want" Well, I'm not getting any younger and this past weekend I had some experience with the PS3 game "Rockstar" and it was life altering.
I don't have the pictures but when they are emailed to me you betta believe I'm uploading one. Do you know the game? Well, there's a guitar, a drum set and a microphone... the rest is what I'd like to call Rockstar history. The first song that I sang was "You oughta know" by Alanis, I was jammin'. There's a list of songs (why NIN has more songs than other artists, I'm not sure) and you pick what one you sing. The lyrics are there and you get a percentage based on how well or poorly you did. I only wish Garth Brooks had a song or two, but apparently people think you can't rock out to country music, they are mistaken.
So, maybe I missed out on being a rockstar, maybe not. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit after all, it wasn't a "real" band, it was almost better than karaoke. Maybe I should call an agent and try to get on the next American Idol...perhaps I won't. I don't want to be in any outtakes, a laughing stock of America as opposed to my circle of friends.
I'll keep you posted.

A gaggle of pictures

2008-11-06T17:42:00.005-05:00

Well, it seems that I have done a few picture worthy things since returning to MI and since I just uploaded all the camera images tonight, I thought I'd give ya'll something to chew on... It's a mix between our last trip to Cadillac to see my motha, sister Jules and cutest nephew Lucas on my grandma's 82nd bday. Also included are pictures from the wine country tour Joc and I did for our 1st wedding aniversary in Traverse City, we started out as strangers and ended up as pals, alcohol will do that I suppose (c: Oh, and how could I forget halloween? Right, I was a mime and no one bothered to tell me that no one likes mimes!!! Jeez, regardless, I looked good!
Enjoy the pics!
(P.S. Thanks for voting!!)

Mom and Lucas
Sue (70s dude), Mandy (upside down baby, you can't see the head, it's between her legs), Joc (a rugby star from Ireland) and me (a mime)
A walk way on the sleeping bear dunes
More sleeping bear dunes and Lake MI
Me at the dunes, climbing and such
Our wine tour group at the end
This might have been the last winery...just tastin'
A sunrise from the B&B we stayed at...nice!
Joc and our favorite nephew, Lucas...ain't they cute?!

V to the O to the T to the E

2008-11-01T21:20:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone,
Just a friendly reminder that voting occurs on November 4th and this one's gonna be a good one. Please make time in your busy days to get to the polls and cast your voice. Remember, if you don't vote then you can't complain about the government, so do it!
Thanks.
And take a few minutes to check out this You tube video about voting, it clever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cGvqs-jf_w

Time keeps on slippin'

2008-10-30T08:44:00.004-04:00

I was thinking last night, as Joc and I were driving on the East Beltline, that I miss Colorado. Which is a little crazy to me, since I didn't love it while I was out there. Don't get me wrong, Margaret!, I had a great time and enjoyed myself immensely I just didn't love love love it. The sunsets here in MI, there's nothing comparable really and those Rockies are so majestic and breathtaking. The sky was so big, it felt like when I looked out I could see to Wyoming and all the way to Kansas or New Mexico ya know? I just don't get that here in MI. In Northfield, which was just an area north of my apartment (had a shopping area and theater), I saw such great scenery and great views of the Rockies, I miss that.
The work, I don't miss really at all, a few of my co-workers yeah, I miss them but I'm content to be back at my current place of work. Although there are more politics here than I remember and that is a bit stifling in fact it's almost suffocating at times. I'm dealing, trying to get my place back in the workforce, remind myself why I loved Saint's as much as I did and why I was so excited about returning. The staff has had such a turn over, my cohort's absence is definitely felt, in fact Rachael, we were talking about your legendary fart the other morning...and I do mean legendary because it will go down in history I think. (c: I'm only sorry I didn't get to witness it myself. It still feels odd going into work at night and leaving in the morning, and you really see no people of management at all. Hell, I could probably wear a different uniform and unless my co-workers tattled, no one would know! And moving to a new building, the planning and changes that are being made, hell, it's enough to give anyone a headache. I can't tell you how many rumors and talk goes on about what the staffing will be like, the roles we will all play, the fear of what types of patients we'll have, mourning the loss of our ICU identity. It's a lot, that's all I'm saying. I can't help wishing it was like it used to be, before we all left to travel. Se la vie, life goes on, things change, people move and we all grow up. I'm dealing, don't worry, I'm dealing.
Peace out.